PART 1: Swiping Left
It takes thick skin to be on Tinder. You are rapidly both rejecting and being rejected. And no thanks to the unnecessary "Super Like," we now have added pressure to not say no. Although women have been trained for centuries to be grateful a man is even considering extending his hand to her, a person has every right to be uninterested in someone for whatever reason. No matter how dumb or shallow it might be, you have to accept that sometimes someone is not going to like you because of your left eyebrow or your stupid outfit. Do not download this app if you are going to take it personally. In order to get the most out of it, you need to be objective and remember there is another match around the corner. Every time I think I have been through every eligible bachelor within a 50 mile radius, somehow the app finds more for me. This is the beauty of it. It's like an ever-flowing stream of men and disappointment.
Besides the looks category, I don't swipe left unless I have a good reason. And I have so many good reasons that you're probably going to wonder how I am getting any dates at all. *Cue the Miracles Happen song from Princess Diaries.* I have compiled these completely legit reasons for you into a list of 10 men that I try to avoid on Tinder, and you probably should too. Here they are, in no particular order of cringiness:
10 HECK NAWS
DTF
Although you can never tell for sure if a guy really just wants some action, some will list this in their bio which is very convenient. I am not judging them, I'm simply not looking for that and there's no point in being a tease. There's plenty of other thirsty women who will let you buy them a burger in exchange for access to their bodies, and you'll both be very happy together.
Whiny Piss Lords
When it seems like the guy has been burned on Tinder before and they want everyone to know about it, I swipe left so hard my thumbprint almost burns off. This includes guys that say, "Don't swipe right if you don't plan on talking." They need remove the stick from their bum and learn they are not entitled to a response even if they match. It just screams, "fragile ego: handle with care" and I'm not here to babysit.
Snoozefest
If their bio includes, "I like to have fun and hang out with friends," I am going to assume they are the most boring person I will ever meet. No one ever puts "I hate fun and have no friends," like, stop putting basic human functions into your bio. "Breathing is my favorite also BLINKING."
Desperados
Everyone on Tinder is desperate. No one is an exception. But at least most of us try and hide it. For example, if they are saying things to impress you like, "I will make you laugh," and the rest of their bio is in no way funny, this translates to: "Please like me, please think I'm cool, I need this so bad please please please."
Too Cool for School
90% of the time if they have nothing written in their bio I will not swipe right. Either you are unfunny, unimaginative, lazier than I am (automatic disqualifier - I am pretty lazy), or married with 5 kids.
I Have 9 Abs
I WILL PAY SO MUCH MONEY TO NEVER SEE A SHIRTLESS BATHROOM PIC EVER AGAIN. Beach & hiking pictures I will forgive. Okay, you have a nice bod and you like being outside. Cool. But half-naked selfies are so icky that I am going to assume you will disrespect me at the gym and your name is probably Chad.
Oversharers
I don't mind long bios at all, I think it's nice to see what you have in common before you match. But the ones that go into depth about their horrible last relationship and their expectations for you are so terrifying. I think you are looking for a therapist, not a date. We all need help, but you need help Tinder cannot provide.
Group Tinders
Do I have to explain this? Always college boys. Always.
Deadpan
I don't care if they have serious or "modeling" pictures, but I like to see at least one smiling pic with teeth. Being a pretty smiley person myself, I feel like any pictures of us are gonna look like I'm holding you hostage 24/7 if you're never fully smiling in them. Just my own personal thing.
Douche Canoes
The smart alecs that say, "Let me guess, you love adventures? Just swipe left now." Bro. This is Utah. It attracts outdoorsy people. Let me guess, that baby in your pic is just your niece? Grow up. I saw one guy that had a pic that said, "Don't send me nudes, send me a pic of your medicine cabinet so I can see what kind of psycho I'm dealing with." Well luckily I won't have to because you've already let me know what kind of brainless weenie I'm dealing with so, good luck with your mommy issues.
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There will be much more to come in this series as I talk about Tinder and the entirely different social construct that it is. And if you are in one of these categories, please do us a favor and put your label in your bio so that me and my readers can Tinder in peace.
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