This week (actually a week ago, yo girl needs a minute to process all of this) I had 2 dates, one on Friday and one on Saturday. This really isn't hard to do on Tinder, so save all of your derogatory comments for Reddit. Thx.
FRIDAY NIGHT // The Prince
The first one I'm gonna name Prince. He kept calling me princess in his Tinder messages, and even though I am def a queen, who was I to correct him?
Prince and I met at a park late one night because I have a death wish. Okay, before you roast me, please listen: the park was very well lit, there were plenty of other couples there, I had my location turned on, and told several people where I was going. Besides, facing potential homicide makes it all the more thrilling!
I'm just going to say it, no it was not a "hook up" thing. Hook up has so many different meanings. Like did you hold hands or did you get it on like Donkey Kong? I don't even know anymore. All I'm saying is nothing of the sort happened, even though the time and place alludes to otherwise.
We walked around, looked at the ducks, and just talked for about an hour. He was busy with work that weekend or we would have gone on an actual date. Problem is... he refused to tell me where he worked. That's weird, right? He told me his position, but when I asked about the name of the company he just said it's in Lindon. And anytime I pressed him he would change the subject. Uhhhh... should I just call the cops now orrrr?
I joked that he had a stalker before and that's why he wouldn't tell me, which is actually a legitimate excuse and I wouldn't blame him at all. But his sense of humor was so dry I could never tell if he was joking or not. This can be an issue if you are literally the most gullible person on the planet, like myself. So when I said, "You had a stalker huh?" and he shakes his head yes, and my eyes get all wide and I say "Really?!" and he just starts laughing... I feel real dumb. And I don't think I'm a dumb person. But the more I asked why he wouldn't tell me and the more he just agreed with whatever answer I came up with, I started to get kind of bored. I was being stubborn, he was being stubborn, and only one of us was getting kind of annoyed.
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| WHY CAN'T YOU ANSWER A SIMPLE QUESTION? |
The mini date ended with a hug, and a promise that I would text him when I got home. I didn't. When instead Prince texted me that he was worried when he didn't hear from me, I assured him I was alive. If only he knew that my friends were also waiting to be reassured I wasn't murdered in the park that night.
Although I wasn't sure if our sense humor matched up or if he really had a job, Prince asked me on another date and I said yes. BUT that will be discussed next week. Unemployed? Homeless? Stay tuned!
SATURDAY NIGHT // Pinocchio
I'd tell you why I named him Pinocchio, but that would give away the ending and be no fun at all. I'm sure if you put your thinking cap on you can already guess.
Pinocchio asked me if I wanted to go to a professional soccer game with him, and since it's the only sport I sort of understand I said yes. Watching people run makes me tired, but I love the energy of live sports games. I mostly just eat snacks and yell when everyone else is yelling... I think I understand dogs now.
Pinocchio asked me if I wanted to go to a professional soccer game with him, and since it's the only sport I sort of understand I said yes. Watching people run makes me tired, but I love the energy of live sports games. I mostly just eat snacks and yell when everyone else is yelling... I think I understand dogs now.
So when it's an hour before we are supposed to go and he still hasn't told me where he wants to meet, I am growing concerned. Luckily I was with my cousin watching Beyoncé music videos at the time so I was in a good place. I was just pissed. My desire to braid my hair and wear a fur coat while walking around a parking garage increased tenfold.
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| Don't hurt yo self. |
When I'm supposed to be watching sportball and instead am eating Cubby's while sprawled out on a bed, I am pretty aware I've been stood up. If this has never happened to you, it feels very not good. Like I wasn't even worth a made up excuse of why he couldn't make it. "Sorry, I got attacked by bees" or "Sorry, I promised my dad I would wax his back" or "Sorry, I forgot I didn't want to go" would all have been acceptable answers. I get it. You made plans and regretted them. I do this weekly. But just flat out ignoring someone is the worst way to do it. It sets a raging fire in my soul I cannot explain. I. HATE. IT. It means you nothing me. That's worse than being hated. When you nothing someone, they are literally so unimportant they are not even on your radar. If you hate someone you still care about them a little bit. So help me I will make you loathe me with every part of your being before you nothing me. Okay... scary Kenzie is going away now.
Surprisingly, Pinocchio finally gets back to me on Tinder. The following conversation has been screenshotted (I just added that to the dictionary) for your viewing pleasure:
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| Pic & name has been changed in order to preserve his will to live. |
Like "I had a tickle in my throat" is a little different than "I literally had knives cutting open my body"???? Even though he is obviously lying, I have no proof. I unmatch him right before I remember that homeboy added me on Facebook... *cracks knuckles* After doing some research, I find no mention of exploding appendages or emergency trips to the hospital. There is still a 1% chance he is telling the truth and is lying on his deathbed using the last of his feeble strength to type to his tinder match. Or he is full of it and thinks it's funny to waste people's time! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
DO NOT LIE TO ME. WHAT IS THE POINT. JUST DO NOT. HOLY COW.
SORRY FOR ALL THE YELLING.
I think we should all congratulate me for being so polite to him. It may cancel out ranting about it now, but sometimes I just need to go AWF. That's what this blog is for, right? I really am feeling so much better. And if you're reading this Pinocchio, I hope you are too.
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