My Bachelor Bio

No, I really do not have anything better to talk about.

After reading some hilarious articles about the upcoming season of the Bachelor, I've decided it's time for me to get back into the game. I would highly suggest reading Statistical Proof None of Arie's Contestants Are Here For the Right Reasons and A Breakdown of the Army of Skanks Competing For Arie Luyendyk Jr.'s Heart On 'The Bachelor'. Two extremely real article titles from the only legitimate news source I ever read from called Betches.

In short, the breakdown of Arie's cast is as follows: mainly white, blonde, 20-something women named Lauren who love Taylor Swift and are scared of dying alone. And ZERO redheads. Although I may not be Arie's physical type, I am sure as heck that with one box of hair dye and maybe 30 less IQ points I would blend into this group no problem. I felt personally attacked reading some of their bios, as they are very basic and very hashtag relatable. It made me feel good knowing that Arie was probably already in love with me, until I read some dumb as fuh answers and realized I would murder everyone in the house before the first rose ceremony.

But I thought it would be super fun and NOT weird at all if I let you all know what my contestant bio would have looked like had I appeared on this season of the bach. On the ABC web site, they give each contestant different questions and some they give more than others for no rhyme or reason. So I am just going to answer 10 of my favorite ones (these are all legit questions from the web site) and you will all see why they made the biggest mistake of their lives in not casting me.

I PHOTOSHOPPED THIS AT 1 IN THE MORNING PLZ DONT LOOK TOO CLOSELY

Makenzie V.
Bachelorette

contestant biography

Age: 26
Occupation: Boss A$$ Bish
Hometown: Las Vegas, NV
Height: 5'7
Tattoos: Mmm yes. Oh do I have any? No.

What are you most afraid of? Being on a reality TV show.
What is your highest athletic achievement? The other day I carried 13 bags of groceries into my house at the same time.
Do you like being center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? If I could rename this show "Arie Dates Kenzie and Some Other Women," I would.
Do you consider yourself adventurous or conservative? I'd consider myself "indoorsy."
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? The OG dinosaur in Jurassic Park because he literally never dies.
What's the most embarrassing thing you listen to? Myself when drunk.
What does being married mean to you? It means you are now married to another person.
I love it when my date... ... of birth arrives because I love my birthday hahaha do you get it.
Would you consider yourself a lover of art? I'd say we are more friends with benefits.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Whoever gets engaged to Arie at the end of this so I could snag the spin-off show of our pending divorce.

~*~*Update*~*~

I've been meaning to tell you all something...

You all watched me struggle on dating apps.

Then you all watched me freak out when Arie was announced as the new Bachelor.

Then you watched my audition tape which was my last ditch effort for any kind of happiness left in this world.

And then...

Lol.

I just feel like there was some confusion on my last post. The amount of people that came up to me asking when I was going to be on the Bachelor made me sadder and sadder each time I replied, "Oh, I'm not, I only sent a tape in." Yes, it was just for fun. And no, I truly was not expecting anything from it. But DANG if I don't already have a loyal audience that would gladly watch me make a complete idiot out of myself on reality television. Means a lot guys!!! But the promos rolling out showing that the season has already been filmed, and the several unanswered letters I have written Arie's mom on why I would be an amazing daughter-in-law have sealed the deal that I will not be gracing your TVs any time soon.

I still love Arie. I could never betray those bright blue puppy dog eyes. But I'm not loving the spray tan they gave him, as I don't see what is wrong with his natural pasty complexion. For some unknown reason ABC is anti-pale, which is completely bananas and I could go on a whole nother rant about this, which I will. If the producers told ANYbody that their skin was "too dark" they would be freaking sued for discrimination and would cease to exist. But apparently them telling every single contestant their skin is too light is completely fine, and people gladly hop into the tanning booth because they secretly love being sticky. As a naturally pale person that has had a spray tan before, it is 50 shades of disgusting. It peels off quickly, and after 3 days you look like you have a skin disease due to all the patchiness. And I don't know how the heck all those girls are going into various bodies of water all the time, but they probably have a really expensive Tanning Expert which I assume is a job that exists. Okay, rant semi-over. But this is a Pro Pale blog and I have strong opinions about people that are offended by my mayonnaise skin.

EMBRACE IT.

Okay, I get it. The Bachelor is a shallow, vain, horrible show that discriminates all over the place, not just against gingers. They do not have a history of thinking outside the box. But I STILL LOVE IT. I can't help myself. I would be more than happy if they diversified from the caucasian size-2 single mom that owns 6 businesses and was tragically widowed but it left her with enough money to perfect her facial features surgically. But like, I take what I can get. The reason they don't have normal people on the show is because absolutely no one would watch that. "Hey Elizabeth, so I like you a lot but I don't think we should get engaged after 6 dates, that's a little ludicrous don't you think?" "Gee Chad, I was thinking the same thing! We don't really know each other. Wanna go grab some Chik-Fil-A and live a completely boring, non-scandalous life?"

Remember when Juan Pablo tried doing that and they crucified him at the stake??? Is he even still alive??!! I'm a little convinced his rotting corpse is locked up in the mansion somewhere and they keep it as a reminder of what happens when contestants don't play by their rules.

RIP Juan Pablo. His last dying words.

The reason the Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor in Paradise are all successful shows is because the people behind it are evil geniuses. If you think these people sincerely care about helping people fall in love, my sweet little cupcake, you might wanna sit down for this. THEY DON'T. They have literally one job. Make good TV, or be homeless. It almost sounds kind of fun, in a really bad power trippy way. I would love to be the one interviewing people, just making crap up to get reactions. I feel like after watching a thousand seasons I'd actually be really good at this. I'd pretend to be their friend, slowly gain their trust. Then make up a rumor that the bachelor thinks they are too much baggage. Mention this during our session. Tape their emotional break down. Profit.

Well I literally have nothing else to update you guys with because I avoid all contact with the outside world. I day dream about the mansion I will fill with foster cats and my guest house that Taylor Swift will sleep in when we are friends. I am using more oils in my skincare routine. Lily, my cat, is perfectly fine being the only other person sleeping in my bed for time and all eternity. I'm doing absolutely fantastic and wish everyone a warm season's greetings.