1.12.17

~*~*Update*~*~

I've been meaning to tell you all something...

You all watched me struggle on dating apps.

Then you all watched me freak out when Arie was announced as the new Bachelor.

Then you watched my audition tape which was my last ditch effort for any kind of happiness left in this world.

And then...


Lol.

I just feel like there was some confusion on my last post. The amount of people that came up to me asking when I was going to be on the Bachelor made me sadder and sadder each time I replied, "Oh, I'm not, I only sent a tape in." Yes, it was just for fun. And no, I truly was not expecting anything from it. But DANG if I don't already have a loyal audience that would gladly watch me make a complete idiot out of myself on reality television. Means a lot guys!!! But the promos rolling out showing that the season has already been filmed, and the several unanswered letters I have written Arie's mom on why I would be an amazing daughter-in-law have sealed the deal that I will not be gracing your TVs any time soon.

I still love Arie. I could never betray those bright blue puppy dog eyes. But I'm not loving the spray tan they gave him, as I don't see what is wrong with his natural pasty complexion. For some unknown reason ABC is anti-pale, which is completely bananas and I could go on a whole nother rant about this, which I will. If the producers told ANYbody that their skin was "too dark" they would be freaking sued for discrimination and would cease to exist. But apparently them telling every single contestant their skin is too light is completely fine, and people gladly hop into the tanning booth because they secretly love being sticky. As a naturally pale person that has had a spray tan before, it is 50 shades of disgusting. It peels off quickly, and after 3 days you look like you have a skin disease due to all the patchiness. And I don't know how the heck all those girls are going into various bodies of water all the time, but they probably have a really expensive Tanning Expert which I assume is a job that exists. Okay, rant semi-over. But this is a Pro Pale blog and I have strong opinions about people that are offended by my mayonnaise skin.

EMBRACE IT.


Okay, I get it. The Bachelor is a shallow, vain, horrible show that discriminates all over the place, not just against gingers. They do not have a history of thinking outside the box. But I STILL LOVE IT. I can't help myself. I would be more than happy if they diversified from the caucasian size-2 single mom that owns 6 businesses and was tragically widowed but it left her with enough money to perfect her facial features surgically. But like, I take what I can get. The reason they don't have normal people on the show is because absolutely no one would watch that. "Hey Elizabeth, so I like you a lot but I don't think we should get engaged after 6 dates, that's a little ludicrous don't you think?" "Gee Chad, I was thinking the same thing! We don't really know each other. Wanna go grab some Chik-Fil-A and live a completely boring, non-scandalous life?"

Remember when Juan Pablo tried doing that and they crucified him at the stake??? Is he even still alive??!! I'm a little convinced his rotting corpse is locked up in the mansion somewhere and they keep it as a reminder of what happens when contestants don't play by their rules.

RIP Juan Pablo. His last dying words.


The reason the Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor in Paradise are all successful shows is because the people behind it are evil geniuses. If you think these people sincerely care about helping people fall in love, my sweet little cupcake, you might wanna sit down for this. THEY DON'T. They have literally one job. Make good TV, or be homeless. It almost sounds kind of fun, in a really bad power trippy way. I would love to be the one interviewing people, just making crap up to get reactions. I feel like after watching a thousand seasons I'd actually be really good at this. I'd pretend to be their friend, slowly gain their trust. Then make up a rumor that the bachelor thinks they are too much baggage. Mention this during our session. Tape their emotional break down. Profit.


Well I literally have nothing else to update you guys with because I avoid all contact with the outside world. I day dream about the mansion I will fill with foster cats and my guest house that Taylor Swift will sleep in when we are friends. I am using more oils in my skincare routine. Lily, my cat, is perfectly fine being the only other person sleeping in my bed for time and all eternity. I'm doing absolutely fantastic and wish everyone a warm season's greetings.


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