My Bachelor Bio

No, I really do not have anything better to talk about.

After reading some hilarious articles about the upcoming season of the Bachelor, I've decided it's time for me to get back into the game. I would highly suggest reading Statistical Proof None of Arie's Contestants Are Here For the Right Reasons and A Breakdown of the Army of Skanks Competing For Arie Luyendyk Jr.'s Heart On 'The Bachelor'. Two extremely real article titles from the only legitimate news source I ever read from called Betches.

In short, the breakdown of Arie's cast is as follows: mainly white, blonde, 20-something women named Lauren who love Taylor Swift and are scared of dying alone. And ZERO redheads. Although I may not be Arie's physical type, I am sure as heck that with one box of hair dye and maybe 30 less IQ points I would blend into this group no problem. I felt personally attacked reading some of their bios, as they are very basic and very hashtag relatable. It made me feel good knowing that Arie was probably already in love with me, until I read some dumb as fuh answers and realized I would murder everyone in the house before the first rose ceremony.

But I thought it would be super fun and NOT weird at all if I let you all know what my contestant bio would have looked like had I appeared on this season of the bach. On the ABC web site, they give each contestant different questions and some they give more than others for no rhyme or reason. So I am just going to answer 10 of my favorite ones (these are all legit questions from the web site) and you will all see why they made the biggest mistake of their lives in not casting me.

I PHOTOSHOPPED THIS AT 1 IN THE MORNING PLZ DONT LOOK TOO CLOSELY

Makenzie V.
Bachelorette

contestant biography

Age: 26
Occupation: Boss A$$ Bish
Hometown: Las Vegas, NV
Height: 5'7
Tattoos: Mmm yes. Oh do I have any? No.

What are you most afraid of? Being on a reality TV show.
What is your highest athletic achievement? The other day I carried 13 bags of groceries into my house at the same time.
Do you like being center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? If I could rename this show "Arie Dates Kenzie and Some Other Women," I would.
Do you consider yourself adventurous or conservative? I'd consider myself "indoorsy."
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? The OG dinosaur in Jurassic Park because he literally never dies.
What's the most embarrassing thing you listen to? Myself when drunk.
What does being married mean to you? It means you are now married to another person.
I love it when my date... ... of birth arrives because I love my birthday hahaha do you get it.
Would you consider yourself a lover of art? I'd say we are more friends with benefits.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Whoever gets engaged to Arie at the end of this so I could snag the spin-off show of our pending divorce.