The Third Wheels

It's midnight. I can't sleep. I haven't tried, but my bed looks as appealing as a dungeon floor. My body is exhausted but my brain is racing with all the times I said "you too" after the waiter told me to enjoy my food. I've tried to write this post so many times, but it always comes out preachy and stupid. They say to write drunk and edit sober. No mom, I am not intoxicated, but I am sleepy which is pretty much the same thing. Sleepy Kenzie is responsible for like 95% of all the bad decisions I have ever made in my life. I don't think this is a bad decision, but it will be a treat to see what I wrote in the morning time. It's like I'm drunk texting myself! Hi, me. Did you get a good sleep? Did you have that dream again where you were making out with Adam Levine? I sure hope so, buddy.

Okay so the topic I want to write about is very personal and maybe even too personal for people who enjoy the usual light snarkiness and running commentary on my dating life. If that is the only side of me you ever want to know about, I approve of that decision. You are excused, I won't be offended. Because we're about to get deep, ya'll. So deep I can't even see you. I don't know what that means. Here goes nothing!

For the past two days I have been dealing with major anxiety that doesn't happen very often, but often enough that I can name it and realize that I'm not actually dying no matter what my body is telling me. I like to say that if mental health was a college degree I would have majored in Depression with a minor in Anxiety. But Anxiety has been tired of not being in the spotlight so it has been taking center stage lately. Depression is glad to have a break, but also fights with Anxiety sometimes to take it's rightful place back. Instead of the two balancing each other out, it's like fighting fire with fire. It's like jumping off of a cliff and being stuck in the air. You're paralyzed with fear about falling but you're not actually moving. You can shut your eyes and pretend everything is fine or look down and freak out again. Was that too weird of a metaphor? Here's a gif of a puppy.

This puppy thinks it is going somewhere but it is not.

I don't know. Dating while having depression and anxiety is like having unwanted third wheels at all times. I'm just minding my own business, trying to enjoy spending time with another person, and anxiety is like, "Hey! Just a friendly reminder that could go wrong here. Heartbreak, disaster, death, don't leave any possible scenario out. Also spontaneous combustion is a thing, don't forget!" and then depression is like, "But none of that matters because you suck and are undeserving of happiness and love. Cheers!" And I'm like....

I'LL TAKE NOTE OF THAT THANK YOU.

There are times where they are both quiet, and I have a moment to myself. But most of the time they are right there with me. Snuggled up to me on the couch in between me and a boy. He may not see it, but it disguises itself in sudden mood swings and rude comments and picking fights for no reason. It feeds off of any negative thought and runs with it. Depression likes to self-destruct while anxiety likes to over-protect. Which means one minute I can be distant and the next clingy as all get out. It's exhausting. It's hard to keep up with. I GET IT. I'M A DIFFICULT PERSON. That's fine. I can't change the cards that were handed to me, but I can change my attitude about it. I can choose to embrace these third wheels, and make them comfy. Treat them kindly instead of telling them to shut up and go play in traffic. Acknowledge whatever I am feeling at the time, and even make sure whoever I am with knows what's going on. "Hey, sorry, I was just in a bad mood. I didn't mean to call you a douche waffle." or "Please just listen to me vent for a bit and feed my face and cuddle me and then I'll be good." Communication is key when it comes to dealing with people with mental health issues. Lucky for me, I am very vocal about a lot of things and obviously am pretty open about my struggles. Not in a oh pity me way, but like cut me some slack every now and then and realize that it's not something that is disappearing anytime soon. We are a package deal. Me, and my annoying third wheels.

I am posting about this because this helps me cope with these exact issues, and hopefully can help someone else. If anyone feels like their mental health is getting in the way of their dating life, I feels you. And you can talk to me anytime! Seriously. It's a terd in the brownie of life. But it's okay! It's all going to be okay. You are a shining star and you are doing your best. Celebrate the little victories. Like that fact that you DIDN'T send that late night text. Or you DIDN'T freak out because another female was breathing his air. Or that you DIDN'T murder anyone today.

Sometimes that is enough. You are enough. Stop beating yourself up because someone else didn't understand you well enough. One day someone is going to understand you perfectly. And you won't care that Brody Boat Shoes Wearing My Dad is a Lawyer I Have Nine Abs Handsome BYU Man didn't call you back. It. Won't. Matter!!!

Wow. I feel so great. I need to post at night more often. I love you my little turtle ducks. Good night.