Bachelor Recap: Week 1

I'd say that most of my content I write on this blog is rated PG but this post is def PG-13 in some parts. I would advise all grandpas and anyone under the age of 13 to move along. I'M TALKING TO YOU ARLO ZANE CLARK. Please don't read this. Thanks. Love you g-pa.

As I sit down to watch the first episode of Bachelor, I am sipping hot chocolate that was given to me by a Tinder date. Well, not a date, per say. But we’ll talk about that later. I digress. So as I am sipping my hot chocolate I have obtained through normal dating, I think about how terrible I would be on a reality show. The truth is I’d probably fall in love with all of them the first night and fast forward the proposal to the next episode. It would definitely be entertaining and get fantastic ratings but my life would be destroyed and I’d forever be known as the Mormon Taylor Swift. Don’t get me wrong, I worship her, but that name would not be used as a compliment in the magazine headings. I still have hope that Arie Luyendyk from Emily’s season will eventually be the bachelor because then I will 150,000% sign up, no doubt. I love him more than I have loved any contestant on the show. Where was I going with this? Oh. I could never be on the show, unless Arie was on it. Or unless I have literally given up and need some cash. I will let those stylists put me in a tight revealing dress and make out with some guys for some good money. Yep.

ANYWAYS back to Nick. He is insane for doing this. He has been rejected not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES on national television. We hated him, we laughed with him, we cried with him. I feel like his story should be over. But I think they just feel bad for him at this point. Like the show is saying, “Sorry you got your heart mangled in a blender on our watch, and sorry we made you out to be terrible when you're not that bad, would you like 25 ladies that will obsess over you for compensation? Awesome. Please don’t sue us for defamation of character lol.”

Nick fantasizing about being shot in the face.

So intro is all about how Nick is a redeemed soul blah blah blah shower scene blah blah blah. Cut to my past bachelor babes Sean and Ben giving him some solid advice (both of them are still with their beaus). I don’t know why Chris is there. They could put an eggplant with a face drawn on it in his place and I wouldn’t notice the difference. But I’m just excited to see the 25 girls that are about to cry. They spotlight some of the ladies which I usually skip, but I knew it could be quality blog writing content so I watched.

First up is Rachel, the attorney who I felt fine about until they showed her singing to her vacuum cleaner. I get that the producers egg them on to do stupid things, but seriously?? I’m resisting the urge to look up spoilers already, which I never do. And if anyone does I will find you and murder your whole family. :)

Danielle is super cute. She owns THREE businesses which I think is awesome and I lose all interest in her love story with Nick and instead I would like her to mentor me. How does she manage all that stress and still have flawless skin? If you know her please have her contact me asapity sap.

Vanessa starts speaking French right off the bat. And Italian. I hate when all they do is emphasize that the ethnically ambiguous girls can speak another language. She is also a special ed teacher which I highly respect, but if she greets him in French I am out.

Josephine. I laughed so hard when she came on the screen. Because she looks like every other villain/dumb blonde character that comes on these shows. And in the middle of laughing I see her petting and meowing to her cat, and I stop laughing. Because they could easily convince me to do the same thing if I was in her shoes. And her cat is friggin cute. I want to know it’s name. TELL ME YOUR CAT’S NAME.

Raven, the country bumpkin who they make walk through the corn fields and train tracks for no reason as if this is her morning jog route. All I can think of is Jade from Chris’s season. She’s just giving me those “I’m really sweet but I have a dark, sexy secret that will definitely come out within the next few episodes” vibes.

Corinne lives with her family. And has a “nanny.” No no no, not an assistant, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to have as a business owner, a NANNY. I’m curious if this is the same nanny who raised her and she’s just emotionally attached, or if she literally has to wipe her butt for her? Thoughts?

Alexis. I like her. She’s seems hilarious and down to earth and I feel like we would get along. She’s also a Jersey girl, and I’ve always thought my personality would thrive in a place like New Jersey. They are very passionate, outspoken people. And I have always wanted to dramatically flip a table over. She could teach me! 

Danielle is a really pretty baby nurse lady but I’m not getting a feel for her personality yet if she has one. But the quiet ones usually go far because they seem all mysterious but it turns out they really are as boring as they seem. Or they pull a Jade and they were actually a playboy model at one point. Either or.

Taylor is a mental health counselor, and I think it’s amazing that she has already psychoanalyzed Nick. Because I do that all the time, except I don’t have a degree in it so it’s basically me looking up their astrological signs and making excuses for their behavior. "He's blatantly ignoring me? Such a Sagittarius thing to do lol." She then pulled the race card which I feel is too soon. I guess I can’t say anything because I’m not biracial, but like why are you beginning with that? I wouldn’t go “Hi, nice to meet you I’m Makenzie and I’m a ginger. Here are five stories from my childhood of people tormenting me for it. Please pity me and also let me win the bachelor thx.”

Liz has not only met Nick before, but has SLEPT with him... 9 months ago. That’s hysterical. I love her already. She’s also from Vegas and has multiple piercings so she’s ballsy. Then I notice in the previews for night one that she dyed her hair brown instead of the gorgeous auburn red color it was, and they gave her a spray tan. Now she looks like everyone else!!!!!!!!!! WTF stylists of bachelor. W. T. F. In my opinion she looked wayyyyy better before and I’m mad. I'm linking this post in Elan Gale's Instagram pics.

Okay it’s going to take too long to do introductions of each girl, so I am going to give you the list of what I have nicknamed all of them. Some of the names are highly uncreative and simply going off of words they said, but there are 25 of them and we are going to remember 3 of their real names at best so who cares:

Rachel - Vacuum Singer

Danielle - Boss Lady

Vanessa - Frenchie

Josephine - Cat Lady

Raven - Jade 2

Corinne - Nanny

Alexis - Jersey

Danielle - Snoozefest

Taylor - Race Card

Liz - Smitch

Elizabeth - Blonde Elizabeth

Christen - Batshiz

Kristina - Obligatory Girl With Accent, or, OGWA

Angela - VS Angel

Lauren - Hussie

Michelle - Lemonade

Dominique - Beyonce

Ida Marie - Awkward Turtle

Olivia - Eskimo

Sarah - Punny

Jasmine - Scary

Hailey - Sex Kitten

Astrid - German

Jamie - Balls

Briana - Definitely Going Home Tonight

Susannah - Beard Massage

Brittany - Bend Over

Jasmine - Jasmine like the Flower

Whitney - No One of Importance

Lacey - Hump Day

Here is my guesses right now before I watch it for who is getting the first impression rose. I am going to pick Boss Lady, Vacuum Singer, or Smitch. I’m reeeeally rooting for Smitch for some reason. I think it’s because in my younger days I was known to hook up with someone before I knew anything about them and then try to date them after that. Doesn’t work. Never works. But I’m hoping for her and all the smitches out there that it does. Bless her heart.

Annnnd he picks Vacuum Singer for the first impression rose, and everyone else’s feelings are immediately hurt. Granted, the first impression roses always go far and they have a really good chance of winning. It’s like saying, “Hey, not only am I not sending you home tonight, but probably not for a few episodes! Now you at least have a shot of being on Bachelor in Paradise. Congratsies.” But I think the other girls need to calm down. Just because they have seen him on TV and have fantasized about their imaginary life with him together doesn't mean they know him. But everyone’s glum faces turn upside down and their hopes and dreams are restored the second they get a rose.

BEFORE

AFTER

I love this stupid show so much.

I almost hyperventilated when he waited to give Smitch the last rose. But I understand his decision. She ghosts on him, doesn’t talk to him for 9 months, and suddenly is interested when he becomes the bachelor. But the media made him seem so sketch before, so I totally get why she didn’t want to bother. I am Team Smitch all the way and I hope she makes it far. “Children, the night I met your father I was shit faced and don’t remember most of it. Then I dated him on a reality show and now here you are.”

Hussie is a gem, and she was crying when she got sent home. Ugh. I wish there was a way I could show all the girls a crystal ball that shows that everything will be okay and they are going to be so glad Nick did not propose to them. Your kids would've all had that lisp thing, so thank your lucky stars.

Then they show the wonderful season sneak peek of all the dramatic moments to come and you start thinking thoughts like “Will Nick die alone?”, “Will Russia nuke the mansion?” and “How many people will he sleep with before his penis falls off?” But the only thing I cared about is that on a group date they perform with THE BACKSTREET BOYS. HOLY COW BALLS. NOTHING CAN TOP THAT DATE. I would literally leave after that. Bye Nick Viall, helloooo Nick Carter.

Sooooo there you have it. My thoughts on week 1. I guess this is somehow a replacement of me talking about my dating life, not because I don't have content, but because I am lazy. And the Tinder flow has slowed down quite a bit, I have only been on 2 dates in like 2 months. That's sad for me. And any other dates I go on just don't tend to be horrifying. I'M SORRY K. But now you get to listen to me make fun of people with actual problems because their life decisions have led them to dating on a reality tv show. It makes me feel a little better about having a Tinder blog, okay. And I am the epitome of mental health compared to some of these women. Someone make me the Mormon Bachelorette already, dammit.

Until next time, smitches.