Bachelor Recap: Whipped Cream & Lies

My intention was to post weekly recaps of each episode, but I think people need to stop saying 2016 was the worst year because 2017 is taking that as a challenge. This month has kicked my trash five ways to Sunday. With funerals, moving apartments, and all the traveling which I hate with a fiery passion (when I get rich I will personally fund the scientists who are working on teleportation because I am losing my patience), I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. But of course I have still been keeping up with the Bachelor, obviously. I just haven't been able to have any time to sit down and actually write something coherent. The words were coming out more angry than usual, and I finally figured out why. We will get to that part. But first and foremost, the woman of the hour.

Let's talk about Corinne. Although I will never stop making fun of the fact that she has an actual nanny, Corinne knows Nick better than anyone else in the house. She is the only one paying any attention. She knows that he makes impulsive decisions, is unapologetic, and is "no bullshit." That's why we like him, right? So please tell me... WHY IS EVERYONE SURPRISED THAT HE LIKES CORINNE? Calculated by three whole seasons worth of what we know about him thus far, this is his dream girl. And people are taking offense to the fact that she is open with him sexually, as if NICK, wouldn't enjoy that. NICK. Do you guys remember anything about him? The guy who slept with someone on national television without so much as an "oopsy daisy?" Or did we all watch Bachelor in Paradise and forget the reason he was even talked about in the first place?

He's actually crying because none of the girls offered to do him in the ocean.

Now that we have remembered Nick is well, a man whore, and since Corinne showing her boobs on national television makes her a whore (except when Shawn from Kaitlyn's season ran around butt naked no one called him names BUT OKAY), they should be a match made in heaven. Yet these girls are losing their shiz. At least they were a few episodes ago, throwing tantrums and threatening to leave if he continued to show interest in someone who is exactly his type. They mask it as "just looking out for him" as if he isn't a grown ass man that can look out for himself. It's not caring, it's manipulative. It actually pissed me off how much time they were wasting talking about it. Have they ever watched a season of the Bachelor?? Talking to the bachelor/bachelorette about other contestants ALWAYS backfires, and you end up looking like an even bigger douche. Cue case in point...

Oh Taylor. The more this weird argument continued about what exactly is emotional intelligence and why Nick would give a shit about that, I had an epiphany. This drama was all too familiar to me. I recognize Taylor's insecurity screaming from a mile away, because I have BEEN Taylor. Hold your gasps, I know. But I used to have a Corinne in my life. Sure we didn't battle it out in front of TV cameras, but we were into the same guy and I didn't think she was right for him. At all. I thought she was immature and annoying, and I did indeed feel superior to her in every way. I was told by this guy, my Nick if you will, "not to worry" about her, because they were just friends. I told him that I wasn't (I was.) He and I were not exclusive, but we weren't NOT together either. Ja feel? I told you guys, non-relationships will kill me one day. Maybe that's why I like the Bachelor so much? Because I have been involuntarily on it in real life so many times?? I digress. This chick was gunning for him, and everyone could see it. And he wasn't exactly turning down her advances. One example being I walked in on them cuddling on the couch at a friend's house and let him later convince me it was nothing. I know I know, I used to be a special kind of stupid. And instead of telling him to go lick a socket, I turned my anger towards her. I haaaated her. So. Much. I wanted to villainize her so badly, similar to what all these lovely contestants are doing. They are making Corinne the bad guy, and Nick is just an innocent victim. As if he doesn't know the word "no." As if her mystic lady parts are putting him under a spell that he cannot break. But I am positive he knows the word no, and from what I'm seeing he is not using it. He is reciprocating her actions, repeatedly. He likes her! Get over it. If this changes the way you see him, then leave. No one is making you stay. But if you still like him and trust his judgment, I would advise shutting your mouth about who else he is dating because you signed up for this. Taylor calling Corinne a "mean girl" is the most ironic statement, because we have witnessed the girls circle around talking shit about Corinne in every single episode. They are no better!! At all. Especially Taylor. Not only does she not get a rose, she comes back to make sure Corinne won't get one. I am going to go ahead and predict the future here and say it will not work. First of all, the previews show Corinne trying to sleep with Nick and we haven't seen that yet. Secondly, unless Corinne is part of the mafia and Taylor has solid proof, nothing she says is going to change his mind. TRUST ME TAY TAY. You are only going to be more pissed off when she makes it to the top 4 and potentially becomes his wife. Which we've seen happen on the Bachelor numerous times, and I have personally experienced. Yep. My Nick ended up marrying that girl I had "nothing to worry about". My eye still hasn't stopped twitching, BUT I was an idiot to waste anymore time talking about it. Which I did. For months. But he was being the douche, and she's not a bad person. She just has bad taste in guys. Something we have in common. :)

And I am sooooOOOOOooooo done with the double standards. I don't have time to educate anyone on this, you can google it, but calling Corinne a slut and not calling Nick a slut is a double standard. Okay? Okay. Either they are both slutty soulmates, or they are simply two people with chemistry and things in common and are just trying to date on television like every other girl there. And bless Tay when she said, "their relationship is built on whipped cream and lies" because this is a fantastic name for their sequel reality show. Also, Corinne is the funniest contestant ever. I'm not saying we would be besties in real life, but her one liners are prime. I plan on foiling this and hanging it over my bed:

"Abraham Lincoln napped! Michael Jordan napped! Why can't I nap?"

If I could have a full episode of just her interviews, I would legitimately pay for that ish on DVD. It makes me so happy. In a way, I think it'd be refreshing if people were more like Corinne. I really do. She goes for what she wants and is 100% herself while doing it. If Taylor were a little less judgmental and removed the sticks from her ass, she would see that Corinne is not actually trying to upset anyone. She is playing the game!! You are on a GAME SHOW. You guys get eliminated WEEKLY. No matter who ends up with Nick, they will still have to tell their kids that they COMPETED for Nick's love. Literally. It's my worst nightmare. I'm still down for Bachelorette though. Bring on the man tears!

I like to rewatch Bachelorette episodes when a man has hurt my feelings.

Alright, next week hopefully we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming and talk about some of the other girls on the show like WHO THE HELL IS WHITNEY and why does she keep getting roses?? Seriously, where did she come from? And I need to publicly apologize for originally nicknaming blonde Danielle "Snoozefest" because I thought she had the personality of a box of crackers, but it turns out she's probably just a little quieter than me but she's actually really funny. Sorry boo. <3

Bachelor Recap: Week 1

I'd say that most of my content I write on this blog is rated PG but this post is def PG-13 in some parts. I would advise all grandpas and anyone under the age of 13 to move along. I'M TALKING TO YOU ARLO ZANE CLARK. Please don't read this. Thanks. Love you g-pa.

As I sit down to watch the first episode of Bachelor, I am sipping hot chocolate that was given to me by a Tinder date. Well, not a date, per say. But we’ll talk about that later. I digress. So as I am sipping my hot chocolate I have obtained through normal dating, I think about how terrible I would be on a reality show. The truth is I’d probably fall in love with all of them the first night and fast forward the proposal to the next episode. It would definitely be entertaining and get fantastic ratings but my life would be destroyed and I’d forever be known as the Mormon Taylor Swift. Don’t get me wrong, I worship her, but that name would not be used as a compliment in the magazine headings. I still have hope that Arie Luyendyk from Emily’s season will eventually be the bachelor because then I will 150,000% sign up, no doubt. I love him more than I have loved any contestant on the show. Where was I going with this? Oh. I could never be on the show, unless Arie was on it. Or unless I have literally given up and need some cash. I will let those stylists put me in a tight revealing dress and make out with some guys for some good money. Yep.

ANYWAYS back to Nick. He is insane for doing this. He has been rejected not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES on national television. We hated him, we laughed with him, we cried with him. I feel like his story should be over. But I think they just feel bad for him at this point. Like the show is saying, “Sorry you got your heart mangled in a blender on our watch, and sorry we made you out to be terrible when you're not that bad, would you like 25 ladies that will obsess over you for compensation? Awesome. Please don’t sue us for defamation of character lol.”

Nick fantasizing about being shot in the face.

So intro is all about how Nick is a redeemed soul blah blah blah shower scene blah blah blah. Cut to my past bachelor babes Sean and Ben giving him some solid advice (both of them are still with their beaus). I don’t know why Chris is there. They could put an eggplant with a face drawn on it in his place and I wouldn’t notice the difference. But I’m just excited to see the 25 girls that are about to cry. They spotlight some of the ladies which I usually skip, but I knew it could be quality blog writing content so I watched.

First up is Rachel, the attorney who I felt fine about until they showed her singing to her vacuum cleaner. I get that the producers egg them on to do stupid things, but seriously?? I’m resisting the urge to look up spoilers already, which I never do. And if anyone does I will find you and murder your whole family. :)

Danielle is super cute. She owns THREE businesses which I think is awesome and I lose all interest in her love story with Nick and instead I would like her to mentor me. How does she manage all that stress and still have flawless skin? If you know her please have her contact me asapity sap.

Vanessa starts speaking French right off the bat. And Italian. I hate when all they do is emphasize that the ethnically ambiguous girls can speak another language. She is also a special ed teacher which I highly respect, but if she greets him in French I am out.

Josephine. I laughed so hard when she came on the screen. Because she looks like every other villain/dumb blonde character that comes on these shows. And in the middle of laughing I see her petting and meowing to her cat, and I stop laughing. Because they could easily convince me to do the same thing if I was in her shoes. And her cat is friggin cute. I want to know it’s name. TELL ME YOUR CAT’S NAME.

Raven, the country bumpkin who they make walk through the corn fields and train tracks for no reason as if this is her morning jog route. All I can think of is Jade from Chris’s season. She’s just giving me those “I’m really sweet but I have a dark, sexy secret that will definitely come out within the next few episodes” vibes.

Corinne lives with her family. And has a “nanny.” No no no, not an assistant, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to have as a business owner, a NANNY. I’m curious if this is the same nanny who raised her and she’s just emotionally attached, or if she literally has to wipe her butt for her? Thoughts?

Alexis. I like her. She’s seems hilarious and down to earth and I feel like we would get along. She’s also a Jersey girl, and I’ve always thought my personality would thrive in a place like New Jersey. They are very passionate, outspoken people. And I have always wanted to dramatically flip a table over. She could teach me! 

Danielle is a really pretty baby nurse lady but I’m not getting a feel for her personality yet if she has one. But the quiet ones usually go far because they seem all mysterious but it turns out they really are as boring as they seem. Or they pull a Jade and they were actually a playboy model at one point. Either or.

Taylor is a mental health counselor, and I think it’s amazing that she has already psychoanalyzed Nick. Because I do that all the time, except I don’t have a degree in it so it’s basically me looking up their astrological signs and making excuses for their behavior. "He's blatantly ignoring me? Such a Sagittarius thing to do lol." She then pulled the race card which I feel is too soon. I guess I can’t say anything because I’m not biracial, but like why are you beginning with that? I wouldn’t go “Hi, nice to meet you I’m Makenzie and I’m a ginger. Here are five stories from my childhood of people tormenting me for it. Please pity me and also let me win the bachelor thx.”

Liz has not only met Nick before, but has SLEPT with him... 9 months ago. That’s hysterical. I love her already. She’s also from Vegas and has multiple piercings so she’s ballsy. Then I notice in the previews for night one that she dyed her hair brown instead of the gorgeous auburn red color it was, and they gave her a spray tan. Now she looks like everyone else!!!!!!!!!! WTF stylists of bachelor. W. T. F. In my opinion she looked wayyyyy better before and I’m mad. I'm linking this post in Elan Gale's Instagram pics.

Okay it’s going to take too long to do introductions of each girl, so I am going to give you the list of what I have nicknamed all of them. Some of the names are highly uncreative and simply going off of words they said, but there are 25 of them and we are going to remember 3 of their real names at best so who cares:

Rachel - Vacuum Singer

Danielle - Boss Lady

Vanessa - Frenchie

Josephine - Cat Lady

Raven - Jade 2

Corinne - Nanny

Alexis - Jersey

Danielle - Snoozefest

Taylor - Race Card

Liz - Smitch

Elizabeth - Blonde Elizabeth

Christen - Batshiz

Kristina - Obligatory Girl With Accent, or, OGWA

Angela - VS Angel

Lauren - Hussie

Michelle - Lemonade

Dominique - Beyonce

Ida Marie - Awkward Turtle

Olivia - Eskimo

Sarah - Punny

Jasmine - Scary

Hailey - Sex Kitten

Astrid - German

Jamie - Balls

Briana - Definitely Going Home Tonight

Susannah - Beard Massage

Brittany - Bend Over

Jasmine - Jasmine like the Flower

Whitney - No One of Importance

Lacey - Hump Day

Here is my guesses right now before I watch it for who is getting the first impression rose. I am going to pick Boss Lady, Vacuum Singer, or Smitch. I’m reeeeally rooting for Smitch for some reason. I think it’s because in my younger days I was known to hook up with someone before I knew anything about them and then try to date them after that. Doesn’t work. Never works. But I’m hoping for her and all the smitches out there that it does. Bless her heart.

Annnnd he picks Vacuum Singer for the first impression rose, and everyone else’s feelings are immediately hurt. Granted, the first impression roses always go far and they have a really good chance of winning. It’s like saying, “Hey, not only am I not sending you home tonight, but probably not for a few episodes! Now you at least have a shot of being on Bachelor in Paradise. Congratsies.” But I think the other girls need to calm down. Just because they have seen him on TV and have fantasized about their imaginary life with him together doesn't mean they know him. But everyone’s glum faces turn upside down and their hopes and dreams are restored the second they get a rose.

BEFORE

AFTER

I love this stupid show so much.

I almost hyperventilated when he waited to give Smitch the last rose. But I understand his decision. She ghosts on him, doesn’t talk to him for 9 months, and suddenly is interested when he becomes the bachelor. But the media made him seem so sketch before, so I totally get why she didn’t want to bother. I am Team Smitch all the way and I hope she makes it far. “Children, the night I met your father I was shit faced and don’t remember most of it. Then I dated him on a reality show and now here you are.”

Hussie is a gem, and she was crying when she got sent home. Ugh. I wish there was a way I could show all the girls a crystal ball that shows that everything will be okay and they are going to be so glad Nick did not propose to them. Your kids would've all had that lisp thing, so thank your lucky stars.

Then they show the wonderful season sneak peek of all the dramatic moments to come and you start thinking thoughts like “Will Nick die alone?”, “Will Russia nuke the mansion?” and “How many people will he sleep with before his penis falls off?” But the only thing I cared about is that on a group date they perform with THE BACKSTREET BOYS. HOLY COW BALLS. NOTHING CAN TOP THAT DATE. I would literally leave after that. Bye Nick Viall, helloooo Nick Carter.

Sooooo there you have it. My thoughts on week 1. I guess this is somehow a replacement of me talking about my dating life, not because I don't have content, but because I am lazy. And the Tinder flow has slowed down quite a bit, I have only been on 2 dates in like 2 months. That's sad for me. And any other dates I go on just don't tend to be horrifying. I'M SORRY K. But now you get to listen to me make fun of people with actual problems because their life decisions have led them to dating on a reality tv show. It makes me feel a little better about having a Tinder blog, okay. And I am the epitome of mental health compared to some of these women. Someone make me the Mormon Bachelorette already, dammit.

Until next time, smitches.