Can I just say this blog already has over 1200 page views... whaaaa?? I know in internet terms this isn't a ton. But I blogged for years and years and had 100 on a good month, so this blows my mind. You guys have great taste in online garbage reading. Congrats.
This week was bananas... I had 3 dates lined up which is a lot when you have a full time job and a kitten that needs all of the love & attention. Even though it was my fault entirely, I felt overwhelmed and a bit Tindered out. But the second I decide I need a break, the universe was like HA NOPE and I was asked on 2 real live non-Tinder dates. Those will be in next week's episode. This week, however, will be broken into 2 parts with 3 different Tinder dates. I hate myself.
Wednesday Night: The Bachelor
I'm dubbing this first date Bachelor because he sort of looks like a previous contestant and also watches the show like I do. This is a huge plus since I will most likely be forcing all future significant others to watch it with me anyways. Bachelor invites me to go long boarding, so the first thing I do is look in my closet for anything appropriate. All I have is sweaters and lots of floral prints. Um. Okay, so my wardrobe isn't what you would call sporty. I throw on a plain v-neck, skinny jeans, and my fake keds from Walmart. Yes. I am ready To Sport™.
The last time I went long boarding I ate shiz and scratched up my hands and legs pretty bad. So doing this as a first date is probably a terrible idea. But terrible ideas = fantastic stories, so I'm pumped! He picks a super duper easy trail, but the down side was my long board was faster than his skate board. I was not very graceful at slowing down and ended up just preventing myself from running into things. I didn't crash though!!!!! I gave myself so many mental self-fives for that. And those moments where I was just cruising and enjoying the sunset were PRIME. Is this how it's supposed to be? Not careening out of control and embracing death at any moment? Huh. Interesting. We've been talking most of the time, er, I've been talking most of the time. But that's literally any date I go on. Either he is just a more mellow human than I am or I need to shut up. I'm just trying to find something we have in common besides watching the same reality show. Which, to be honest, I could live with.
Luckily he still wants to hang out and on my suggestion we go to Taco Bell to get drinks (only the classiest for us Tinder folk.) Then we park at what he calls his "ghetto lookout" which is a dirt lot that overlooks the highway outside of Lindon. Again, we just talked the entire time, no hanky panky. Would I even tell you if there was? That is questionable, because my grandpa and other precious family members read this and I would love to spare them those details... But nothing happened. Pinky swear.
So it is at this point I find out that Bachelor and I are polar opposite in almost every way. All of my favorites are on his "just okay" list, and he admittedly has no favorites except for Tom Brady. He even went as far as to say he didn't really love anything. I couldn't help but have the giggles when I tried to challenge this. Eventually I blurt out, "Do you even love your family??" And he makes a disgusted face and goes, "No!" Which he was obviously joking about, right guys? No one just doesn't love anything... ?
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In the true nature of being a woman, I immediately wanted to fix him. Maybe I could make him see the light, and like Flynn and Rapunzel we will sing about our feelings on a boat. And then I discover I am a long lost princess. That sounded great. But because I am 55 years old, I have already been through the rigamaroll of trying to change people. SPOILER ALERT: You will fail. At first the other person will play along and pretend like all your effort is not going to waste, and you feel like you are seeing progress. But unless they are doing it 1000% for themselves, and not even 1% to please you, it is not going to stick. All it means is what you see is what you get. No amount of singing is going to grow this guy's heart 3 times it's size. Something I quickly learn to accept after the following night.
The next night Bachelor texts me and asks what I'm up to. I told him I was watching a movie and invited him over. I warned him it was one of my favorite rom coms, Life as We Know It (Josh Duhmel, yum) and he may not like it. He insisted he come anyway, so whatever. I'm pretty much Yes Man at this point except way sadder. Not even 20 minutes into the movie, he is complaining. At first it starts by him blatantly not paying attention and asking what's going on. Then it turns into "This movie is sooooo looooong" and "Is it over yet?" because there is nothing cuter than a toddler who hasn't had his nap yet. I consider naming him Giant Man Baby for the purposes of this blog, but I let him live. Even though some minor cuddling is happening, there are no sparks flying and his whining is not helping. After he falls asleep several times, I finally get him out of my apartment. If there had been a rose at the end of the date, I would've had to have the obligatory "You are amazing and a special little snowflake but I can't give you this rose" talk before sending him packing.
Friday Night: The Prince pt. 2
For those who are catching up, please read about the Prince in my last post here. I felt like we only had a short time together at the park, and I am determined to find his place of employment. I can't find him on Facebook anywhere, and so I might as well find out information the old fashioned way.
Prince picks me up and we go bowling. I bowl approximately once a year with my family at Thanksgiving, but avoid it the other 364 days of the year. And I am terrible. Being a competitive person this makes me a little aggy, as they say in Essex. But I already foretell him all of this and am determined to just have fun anyways. He claims he is also bad, but that is a lie. Our final scores are a whopping 119 and 51. I'll let you guess whose was whose.
We then go to Arby's (my suggestion, one of many) where I proceed to make the following faces:
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| That last one is there so you guys remember that I'm cute. |
After my secret photoshoot, we're driving away and Prince asks what I want to do, which concerns me a little. When a guy seems to not have a solid plan it makes me feel like he doesn't care about this date very much. Or he's not imaginative. Or he's a pushover. And I am what you would call a "strong" personality. I need someone to match me... be an equal partner and all that. To quote Aristotle, "Who wears the pants? Well, preferably neither of us will be wearing pants." Too much? Too much. Sorry Grandpa.
Since he hasn't been able to contain his jealous rage that I have a cat, I ask if he would like to meet her. I joke that it was like meeting my child and not a privilege given to many, but it's very telling how a guy acts around your pet. Bachelor, for example, ignored her presence entirely and only tried to get her attention when he wasn't sleeping. Prince, however, was very sweet with Lily. It always warms my icy cold heart to see a man have a tender spot for animals. It's a little bit of a preview into how they will be with children. Yes, I just said that. Every girl is thinking this all the time always, it's fine. At least the ones in Utah. Okay, maybe it's just me.
But Prince and I just didn't have that ever so fleeting chemistry, and after 2 dates I don't think it's unfair for me to call it a day. I think very highly of him, and he was nothing but a gentleman. Except... I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE WORKS. This bothers me a lot. If any of you have any idea who this guy is, please call our hotline at 1-888-HELPMEEEEE.
Check back Thursday for one of my favorite dates, Ponytail Derek. :)
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