Bachelor Recap: Bimini Boppity Boo

When we left last week it was fresh after Nick had sent Danielle L. home and he shares his feelings with the women about it saying, "what in the actual hell am I doing on this show for the 4th time, did someone drug me, I need to go bye" and sprints out the room as fast as he can. He's having his weekly Come to Jesus chat with Chris Harrison where he shares these same feelings and Chris reassures him he came on this show of his own free will. When Nick walks back into the room the next day to talk to the women, his first words are "where is everyone" like he thought they were all right where he left them staring at the door, waiting for him to come back, in pools of their own tears. Most of them were sleeping, lol.

They breathe a sigh of relief when Nick tells them he's not going anywhere, because did anyone really think he would just quit the show in the middle of it? BEFORE the fantasy suite dates?? K, me neither, lets move on.

My favorite thing the girls do is when Nick announces a new place they are going to they all shout it really loud and act excited even though you can tell they have never heard of this place before in their entire lives. It's so cute. They do this with Bibony. Bebany. Bibini? NOTHING I GOOGLE WORKS. I don't know where the hell they are going.

BIMINI. Ha. Thank you Raven for bringing to my attention there was an "M" in the word.

Bimini Island is suddenly everyone's dream vacay spot. Maybe I'm just like an idiot and it really is a thing, but I'm going to go ahead and say they are just happy to travel because from what I hear the producers lock them up with no communication from the outside world and so they really do create a mini universe for themselves where Nick is the sun and everything revolves around him. It actually sounds very unsafe the more I think about it. This show should not exist. But we all knew that.

SIDE NOTE: Can I point out that the rest of the ladies seem perfectly fine with being buddy buddy with Corinne and hanging out?? Sure, the producers could probably be like "go stand over there with your arms around each other for a minute" but the second Taylor went home all the Corinne drama subsided. Because MAYBE, just maybe, she's a nice person who is easy to get along with? Idk. It's crazy what the editors of this show can do for your perceptions of other people. REMEMBER WHEN NICK WAS THE ENEMY? DO YOU? DO YOU???

But we all know that the ultimate Corinne episode is about to take place with her trying to sleep with him, so all that friendship may go out the window and I'm ready for it.

A date card comes and the girls all lose their shiz like always, because no one wants to stay in the house trapped with their own thoughts and no Netflix. The first date goes to Vanessa, and this will be her second one-on-one which pisses Corinne off because she has yet to have a one-on-one with Nick. I think that because she came on so strong in the beginning Nick isn't worried about the relationship, and doesn't necessarily need to spend more time with her right now. Either that, or he actually is losing interest which is why Corinne busts out her "How to Win Back My Future Fiancé With My Body" plan which is her bread and butter. AGAIN, I'm not slut shaming her, I am just saying that is what she is good at and she knows that she can remind Nick of that pretty much anytime she wants. I think Corinne is so necessary to this show because without her he would like like Mr. Knight in Shining Whatever and we'd have totally warped perceptions of him. She brings us back down to earth and reminds us that he is human. And I think we are about to witness the first time in Nick's life that he is saying no to sex. I'm so pumped right now.

Meanwhile on Vanessa's date, she tells Nick she's falling in love with him and he hits her with a, "I really like you."

Um. What?

Everyone knows that one of the rules of this show is that the bachelor/ette cannot tell the contestants they love them before the final rose ceremony. Everyone also knows that they consistently break this rule all the time. So if Nick REALLY wanted to, he could've said "I'm falling in love with you too" but he didn't. And Vanessa is a little taken back. Because each contestant feels like what they have with Nick is special and is stronger than everyone else's relationship, as they should. But every person can't be right. So soon 5 girls are going to be heartbroken and flabbergasted when Nick sends them home. As long as he's not going to pull a Juan Pablo and not propose to someone and just say "Yeah I like you. I pick you." UGH. He was the worst.

Corinne dubs herself the Queen of Group Dates and feels very confident it will go how every other group date has gone for her, where Nick gives her all his attention and the other girls cry. But with only 3 girls on a group date, that's a little more difficult to pull off. And whoever gets the rose on this date gets to introduce Nick to their parents, which take it from me sister unless the guy is for sure 100% your boyfriend and no one else's boyfriend you are going to resent him forever and always for doing that when he doesn't end up choosing you. I'm not bitter. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Nick tells the girls they will be swimming with SHARKS as in SHARKS. I'm with Kristina when she says "I know they can bite... and smell blood and... you can die... " I'd so not be down for this date. Send me home. I don't care. When I was 2 or 3 years old, we were fishing in a pond and when I caught a fish and saw it flopping around on the ground, I dropped my pole and ran the other way straight towards traffic. Yep. I have deep seeded fish anxiety which I'm sure could be worked out in therapy but that's a topic for another day. Screw love, I'd rather be alone forever than swim with sharks. Like I have a choice. SELF BURN.

Danielle's date is pretty lackluster and Nick says he doesn't see a future with her anymore due to lack of chemistry and tells her exactly that. The moment of this episode that broke my heart was when Nick said, "I'm sorry, you're just so great... " and Danielle says " ...not great enough." A;LSDKFJAS;LJ. Flip. That's so real though. Why are there so many of those moments on this season?? I think it's because Nick is so honest with these women in a way we're not used to and they in turn are comfortable being honest with him. As much as it sucks to hear the truth, I would rather be given that than a long list of why I am so awesome. Like, shut up. If I am so awesome why are you breaking up with me right now. Give it to me straight. What is it you hate about me?? Spare no details. Thanks.

And ladies and gentleman, the moment we've all been waiting for... Corinne "sneaks" off to his hotel but we all know the producers gladly provided her with his room number and made sure she knew exactly where to go.

There are no words for how much I love this quote.

She then literally leads him to the bedroom and we hear a verbal "OKAY" from Nick. Two seconds later we hear him say "this isn't a good idea" and a very long exasperated sigh from Corinne. She then leaves and goes into a "I may not be getting my way" anxiety attack and for the first time ever does not want to go home to her nanny Raquelle. That whole thing was kind of a let down, I expected someone to get an STD from the previews but those damn editors know what they're doing.

Then the next day he sends Kristina home early. So the girls are seeing each other get picked off one by one like some twisted scary dating movie and talk about it like that. "I COULD BE NEXT" they say in hushed whispers. They cry and shake and huddle together for protection. I mean, with the right music this show could be a decent horror flick.

But of course the show ends right after this so we still don't know who goes to hometowns, but apparently Jimmy Kimmel already announced the new Bachelorette?? AND IT'S SOMEONE WHO IS STILL ON THE SHOW???? I'm so mad. So if you haven't heard already, or are determined not to know until Nick's season ends, stop reading. But the next Bachelorette is going to be Rachel, someone who is very much dating Nick right now on the current show. She said to Jimmy Kimmel it's because they are going to start filming in a few weeks. I don't know who goofed that up, but I am going to kick them in the shins. I am very disappointed because ABC is usually very good about keeping all that under wraps. Now we have to wait and see exactly which moment Rachel is going to get her heart broken, and if she is in the final two that is going to SUCK because we will know who gets picked.

But, really. Don't do that. Wtf.

But congrats to Rachel! I really like her a lot. And she's the first black bachelorette ever, which is like ridiculous it took them this long to do that but I am happy it's finally happening none the less.

Alright, so conclusion is this show is horrible and I am sad every time I watch it. When does it start getting happy again??