Previously, on the bachelor Nick just sent Kristina home and Corinne is having a full on anxiety attack thinking she could be next. But we all know she makes it to hometowns thanks to ABC's episode previews so there's no more guessing in this show at all. I think they're just gonna announce the new bachelor at the same time the first episode of Rachel's season airs because nothing matters and they know we will still watch it because we are all their slaves now. Are subliminal messages still a thing? Are we all programmed to become a violent army at any moment? Kudos, ABC.
Nick needs to stop being so nice because it's pissing me off. WE ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Cut the crap. I'm just waiting for that People magazine headline where it's like "Nick had 5 secret girlfriends the whole time!!" and his life is destroyed. Wow. This is why I'm not dating right now.
Despite the black hole that is my heart, I am excited for Raven's date. She's fun. I said earlier I was expecting some deep dark secret to come out about her, but she's practically perfect and I hate her. The whole police officer prank was genius. And their ATV date ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Kissing in the muddy water is a whole nother level of cute I will probably never reach because I become more of a germaphobe the older I get so you would not catch me in that water.
Nick is bringing her mom flowers which means I got that question wrong on the Fantasy League quiz DANG IT. I guessed wine. I thought after 2 hometown dates and 2 immediate rejections he'd want to be completely plastered for these ones but guess not.
And then Raven's finds out her dad is CANCER FREE which is incredible and there are tears and Nick looks emotional and it's just melting my cold dead heart. I think she could make it to the next round, but Vanessa has been my final rose from the start and I got to be true to my girl. But I reeeeeally like Raven and if she isn't the final pick I hope she's on Bachelor in Paradise because she deserves to be fought over. I would like to see it happen. At the end of their hometown date, Raven contemplates telling Nick she loves him but doesn't because 3 other girls still exist and that's enough to make anyone question a relationship so I don't blame her. I don't think it will affect her chances either way because she's clearly into him and Nick asked for her dad's permission to marry her so all is well in that messed up department.
Obviously I am not excited for Rachel's date because we all know she goes home. The question is why? Does he say something racist and pisses off the entire family? Did he vote for Trump? He looks like a guy that voted for Trump. Maybe he mentions it at dinner and they all collectively stare at him and just say "get out" and that's that.
Let's skip to the part where either he breaks her heart or her father breaks his face. Okay so blah blah blah Rachel is black blah blah blah Nick is white. Her brother in law looks so much like Nick and I think that's hysterical. The fam has a type. White bearded men who look racist but probably aren't. Lol. Everything seemed to go well so I won't be surprised if she's in the top 3. The whole thing makes me very anxious though. It's like waiting for the needle to go in when you're getting a shot. The waiting is worse than the actual pain. Ugh. I hate you ABC. Anyways, onto the next date.
Corinne is the first person on these hometowns to tell Nick that she loves him because again, she's the smartest person there. I'm very on board with the whole "just say what you're feeling" thing Corinne has going on. I'm not one to hold back. Except for the removing clothes part in front of strangers, never done that before. She can win in that respect.
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| And making these faces. Gold medal goes to her. |
I think Jim, Corinne's dad, could have his own show. He's adorable. I want him to be my second dad. Jim brings up the fact that she is filthy rich and Nick could take advantage of that. Corinne said she's totally okay with being the bread winner. That's not something you hear from a lot of women and I highly respect it. This isn't to say Nick would be okay with it, but I'm glad Corinne isn't concerned about money because she probably has enough to retire right now. Financial stresses are huge factors in breakups/divorce and is something I personally am always concerned about, so to get to a place where I'd be cool if the guy was jobless sounds fantastic. As long as he's not homeless. Like maybe he hurt himself while building orphanages in Africa and so now he is disabled so I have to care for him. I'd be down for that.
Vanessa's date is next and he gets to meet all her special needs students. Most of them are crying when they see her. SO freaking cute. My heart is now a pool of liquid lying at the bottom of my rib cage. Yes, I should probably see a doctor. But Nick has made some solid final picks, including Vanessa. I try not to think about the other women while he's on a date but holy cannoli is he going to have a hard time sending these ladies home. Well done. But if Nick has gotta choose someone solely based on food, it's gotta be Vanessa and her Italian fam. The imaginary smell of the baked cheese through the screen almost puts me in a coma. This could also be due to my current rabbit food diet but we will discuss that later. I'm drooling so hard at this dinner table. So yes, if we are going off of that alone, we are going to have to pick her, Nick! Trust me.
Every family is so protective over their girl, so Vanessa's is no different. So instead of getting to know him personally they hound him on what life would be like after the Bachelor. They live in Canada sooooooo it goes without saying they are wondering if she's going to have to uproot her life for him. She admits they haven't discussed that, because 3 other women, but I'm getting an inkling she'd pretty much do anything for Nick. MY HEART.
But now Vanessa acts like she's never seen this show before and is surprised that Nick has asked for every girl's father's blessing to marry them. She says she now has to "reevaluate" their relationship. Um. Okay, now listen to me very carefully past Vanessa. You are on a dating show, and have known this the whole time. There are 3 other women. He is contemplating marrying all 4 of you, so no, he's not sure that you're the one yet. If you weren't on a TV show, yes, be very upset that your boyfriend has asked 3 other women's father's if he could marry them. But you're on THE BACHELOR. And it's not over yet. You have 3 more rose ceremonies and never in the history of ever has the bachelor just skipped to the engagement part this quickly. But she's apparently super blindsided that the other women exist and that he has feelings for them, so she goes to his hotel to talk to him about it before the ceremony. Like what is she expecting to happen? Is she gonna force a proposal out of him? No. Is he going to tell her "okay yeah you're secretly my #1 but don't tell the other women lol"? No. Is she going to leave the show? HA. No. She's been threatening that since the beginning and it's not going to happen.
BUT THEN ANDI SHOWS UP AT HIS DOOR hahahhahahhahahhahahha. What the fudge. I know that it didn't work out with Josh because he's the actual worst, but if she's trying to get Nick back that will be insane pants. If the producers are just trying to make it look like that's what's happening, but she's actually just there to stir things up for no reason, that is the dumbest. I don't think he's ending up with Andi. But like what??? She has a book doesn't she? Does she really have nothing else going on? Is Vanessa gonna find her there and they're gonna brawl????
Well, find out next week on the Neverending Shizshow that for once is not my life and is Nick Viall's.
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