Since yesterday I did my taxes for 3 HOURS and got a bunch of other grown up stuff done, I decided it was time to treat myself with some quality time of women who are not currently behaving like grown ups. All I've heard so far from a friend was "all these women are on their periods. they are all crying" and then another said the ending was *audible gasp*. So I was pretty pumped. I grab some chips and start stuffing my face as I hover over the play button. And JUST as I do my cousin Facetimes me to tell me how good the bachelor was and that Corinne has some amazing one liners as always. And my mom is texting me that everyone is losing their minds. I GET IT OKAY JUST LEMME WATCH IT.
Previously on the bachelor, Taylor does some weird voodoo stuff in prep to interrupt a date to prove she is less crazy than Corinne. She said Corinne lacked emotional intelligence but I'm doubting Taylor's regular intelligence at this point.
Taylor tells Corinne she's not mature or intelligent, Corinne tells Nick this, and then Taylor tells Nick that Corinne lied. Then Nick lies by saying, "I appreciate you telling me this" when really he and Corinne's footsies were getting hot and heavy under the table and he'd like to return to that.
Nick continues his date with Corinne because Taylor's voodoo magic didn't work and all of his body parts still function, including the one that is very much attracted to Corinne.
Then the cocktail party is cancelled, and the girls are worried that if they only had 5 minutes alone with him to share their tragic backstory they could've stayed another week. But Nick's mind is made up because he cannot bare to have one more conversation about Corinne so help he marry her right now. The girls are only adding fuel to the fire.
I'm not gonna lie, one of my favorite parts of this show is looking at their outfits and makeup. And that's what I'm doing instead of listening to Nick pretend to be sad about sending girls home and getting that much closer to the Fantasy Suite dates.
I get another text asking if I've watched the bachelor yet. HOLW COW does he kill someone? Does he propose he be the next star of Sister Wives and tell them who he chooses?? Does Taylor create an actual voodoo doll and suddenly we see Corinne's head spin around while she laughs and act like nothing happened???
So far so good. Rose ceremony is normal. No shockers yet. He's gonna send home all the people who haven't gotten much camera time. That's how it always works. Except seriously who is Whitney will someone please tell me??? I don't think we've seen them have a full conversation yet. But whatever she stays. But bye Josephine, bye oh shoot I can't remember her name. Fierce bisexual with the purple lipstick. And BYE ALEXIS :'( okay I'm really sad she's leaving. She was such good energy for the house. And we haven't seen her emotional til this very moment. Which let's be honest, it super sucks being rejected especially after competing with other unusually beautiful women. Unless you have a heart of ice and the self confidence of Beyoncé you are going to have a little bit of a hard remaining calm cool and collected throughout the whole process and if you ever get sent home. Everyone gets a crying pass for when they leave.
And I try to remind myself of this when Jasmine starts getting emotional when she didn't get the one on one date, because it has to be difficult only going on only group dates for like a month and a half? Is that how long it's been? Idk. This could be a year long process and we wouldn't know because of how much they edit.
I want someone to look at me one day the way that Corinne looked at her St. Thomas Substitute Nanny when she walked in the room. And let's be real, I think we all secretly want a nanny. No? Just me then? K.
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| I couldn't find a GIF of the exact moment but it was like this except make her eyes 10x bigger. |
Nick and Christina's date is super cute blah blah blah but I'm not here for that. I'm here to see the catastrophic world-stopping events that must have occurred and I think I might be setting myself up for disappointment...
BUT THEN the tension starts. My girl Danielle gets put on a two on one with Whitney. DA FUH. Whitney makes sense. We know nothing about her. And she's quiet. I don't trust the quiet ones. But Danielle?? The badass business woman who has her life together and is super cute and has had a strong connection with Nick this whole time? OKAY.
Before that nonsense, the rest of the girls have a group date on a beach. Looking at the girls smoking hot bods in their bikinis reminds me I need to hit the gym more often. But then I look at my chips and think whoever loves me is going to love alllll of me in my fatty mcfat glory and I continue eating.
The only thing better than Corinne is Drunk Corinne. And the only thing better than Drunk Corinne is Drunk Corinne Playing Volleyball. The unfortunate thing is I think she's still better at volleyball than sober me. I understand completely why some girls are not wanting to play because the last thing I need to show the man I am crushing on is how extraordinarily ungifted I am in the athletic department. That's something I will straight up lose, and being a competitive person, this frustrates me greatly. I'm what you call a bit of a "sore loser" and someone who is apparently "not allowed in Chuckie Cheese anymore." Those damn skeet balls.
Rachel not wanting to compete for Nick's attention, although ironic, is kinda respectable. I personally think the second you try to compete for a man you end up losing respect. I do it all the time, but regardless, my statement stands true.
I think I blinked and missed what set it off but eventually everyone stopped playing volleyball and people started crying because Nick wasn't talking to them. He recognizes the day was a bit of a disaster because feelings are getting more real and the girls are less "wow this is a fun game" and more "why is that girl looking at my boyfriend." It sounds super rough. Rachel ends up talking to him about how uncomfortable she is on group dates, and Nick tells her how he had his own anxiety issues when he was on the show at this stage which I highly respect. As I said, I think you'd have to be a robot to not be having several panic attacks a day at this stage in the game. But it's kinda something you have to suck up and just hope he continues to hand you roses so you can get to the end where he can truly break your heart and all your fears will manifest themselves when you win 2nd place and then you have permission to be a wreck!!
Jasmine is a ticking time bomb of word vomit. She's venting to the girls and continues her rant into her conversation with Nick. She's upset she hasn't had a one on one, hasn't had any group roses, and feels generally looked over. She goes from crying and needing emotional reassurance to jokingly saying she wants to choke him and cause him bodily harm and now is throwing out sexual innuendos. All through smiling tears. I don't think she realizes how this is coming off, so let me tell you now just in case you haven't watched yourself Jasmine: not well. Your emotions are making you look like a psycho. Notice I am not calling her psycho. I think the pressure is getting to her in a negative way and you can observe the light slowly dimming from Nick's eyes as he mentally closes off any romantic highways with her. He then as delicately as he can sends her home, and makes sure the Bachelor security guards are within 5 feet of him the rest of the evening. This I can only assume.
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| His mouth is smiling but his eyes are screaming "help" |
Now for this stupid two on one. I would rather jump into the shark infested seas than ever go on a date like this. But we finally get to see him and Whitney converse, and I'm very excited to see how that works. Nick tells her she is beautiful, sweet, and calming. Aka she sits there and smiles and he likes to bask in her presence and pretend he's not on this stressful show. I guess you want that in a future spouse, but seeing as he's into the louder more sass-mouth types I don't see that as Nick language for he's actually into her. My suspicions are confirmed when he sends her home. BUT then in his later alone time with Danielle he is wearing the same shirt that we see him cry in in a clip so SOMETHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN. I'm so excited. I need a pee break.
I also remembered that I needed to return my Redbox so I did that and then McDonalds was right there so obviously I needed Dr. Pepper but now I'm back! Let's do this.
Why does this date feel so awkward? Uh oh. Is he gonna send D. Lo home too???? Wahhhh. That's me crying when I don't get my way. Ugh. I'm sad. Okay. Maybe he won't! Maybe in the clip he is crying because he learned that his uncle died or something. That's terrible that I'm hoping someone died instead of her going home. Okay wow I can't even shut myself up enough to watch sorry.
WHY IS THIS DATE SO AWKWARD. This is killing me. Nick is being weirdly non-chatty and asking boring questions and the conversation is not flowing well. This is nothing like their first date. I'm scared.
DAMMIT he sent her home.
Welp.
Love is dead.
Nothing matters.
I hate this show.
Jk I love this show. But I hate watching this show when I'm single. In a relationship it's like, "wow that girl is nuts right babe?" and when I'm single I'm like "OMG ME :( :( :(" and feel all the pain of every breakup and every rejection and every horrible dating situation ever. I feel for both of them. Nick is frustrated because he should like her. There's nothing wrong with her. But his heart isn't in it. He can't explain it, it's just not. I've been there. And Danielle is left feeling confused and unwanted. And we've all been there. I prefer the breakups where it's like "oh he did this horrible thing so I ended it" and it's completely understandable. I hate the ones where it's like "it's not you it's me" because you can't reason your way out of your heartbreak. You still feel the way you feel and you can't write the other person off as a jerk for doing the right thing. Then you're like well what the hell is wrong with me??
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| NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOU YOU BEAUTIFUL ANGELFISH |
Okay so this topic might be a little fresh on my mind. I feel like I am fairly hopeful about dating someone in the beginning and think "this won't be a big deal if it doesn't work out." But investing time in someone means getting attached. And getting attached means potentially getting hurt. And being hurt sucks. And I feel like each heartbreak is somehow worst than the last, even though I always say "I can't do that ever again." Kinda like Nick! Wow I'm relating to Nick wtf. But that boy has been through the ringer. No I've never had a filmed rejected proposal before, but I've been with more than one person thinking that could be it! Maybe this time it'll be okay. Maybe this time could be the last time. Because honestly?? I am tired. I am so so over getting my heart broken that I feel like whoever is going to unbreak it is going to have one hell of a mountain to climb. But ultimately, I do wanna end up with someone. I just wanna skip to the part where we can be gross around each other and still be madly in love. But it's not a thing to just be like "I'm done dating" and expect someone to just knock on your door. In order to be done with dating, you have to date. It's called CRUEL IRONY. And the only thing keeping me going is saying "maybe this time."
Yes, I am ending my post with a song because I am SAD NICK HOW COULD YOU. Okay. I'm calm. Cool. Collected. Now listen to everything I am feeling right now with this song as I play it on repeat for 6 hours. It's called Maybe This Time. Enjoy!
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