"The last time Andi knocked on my hotel door, she broke up with me... so what the f*** is she doing here now?"
Ah yes, there's the Nick I don't hate.
Vanessa is blubbering on about how unspecial she feels knowing there's other women that Nick is dating. My eyes are permanently stuck looking at the ceiling from how hard I rolled them. I damaged my corneas, thanks V. She looks great though. So does Rach. I want a whole nother show where they get roses just based on their outfits. And the winner stays a single, strong, independent woman with a fantastic wardrobe. Okay but Raven gets the fashion rose on this one, her black sparkly dress is what dreams are made of. I want these stylists to dress me so bad I'm willing to pretend to drink the wine while secretly spitting it out and act a fool just to get some free sparkly things.
Okay, back to Andi and Nick's boring conversation. Nick says he won't just get engaged because he's the Bachelor which we all know is a bunch of lies. Maybe he's trying to send Andi a secret message to wait for him if this all blows up in his face. Then to make it weirder she starts giving him fantasy suite date advice, as if he doesn't already know what's going to go down. But she goes on a self-proclaimed "feminist rant" that he should do whatever he wants as long as they both feel comfortable. I'm wondering where this is going but then she's like "remember when you said that embarrassing thing on national television trying to humiliate and slut shame me in front of everybody?" For those who aren't aware or who have forgotten, Nick famously said on the After the Final Rose episode to Andi, "if you weren't in love with me... why did you make love to me?" referring to the fantasy suite overnight date. He finally apologizes to her for that which makes me happy because throwing out something on national television that was not agreed upon by both parties is like, sorry there's no other way to say this, a dick move. It wasn't cool, and just gave him more bad egg vibes. She accepts his apology and says not to let him affect his decision making when it comes to whether or not he will make love to the 3 other women. The whole thing is weird and uncomfy and I'm glad it's over. Onto the rose ceremony, for the love of Chris Harrison.
MOTHEREFFING ABC okay, so before the rose ceremony we are like oh no who is going to go home, and then they show Raven on a fantasy suite date so obviously she doesn't!! I'm like legitimately pissed off, idk if I'll watch Bachelor in Paradise now (I totally will I am a huge slut for the bachelor and will always be no matter what.) I mean it's just unclear if I will continue watching this show.
Holy shiz Rachel gets a rose too and we all know she doesn't win so OMG omg okay now I'm freaking out. Fuhreaking out. I hate this. NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo. And we say goodbye to the amazing, hysterical, beautiful, enchanting, perfect Corinne.
Okay but my heart is breaking, this is so sad. She is completely devastated. She apologizes for anything she might have done to make him upset, which he says she didn't. He says his goodbyes to her like a gentleman and then, the most wonderful thing happens. She has a breakthrough in the limo. I am going to type out for you the entire script she says because I'm thinking of framing it above my bed:
I just wanna feel loved, the way it's supposed to be, like, the normal way... why can't I just have a normal relationship? I'm trying to say things that men think are appropriate and... ya know what? I'm done. DONE trying to show my men how much I worship them and I love them and I care for them and I support them. I need that! So, if someone feels that way about me they can come and tell me and can bring a ring to go along with it. I'm done trying to impress these men. I'm going to be me! And whatever happens, happens. But I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life. I'm tired and done, I'm done. I wanna go to sleep.
And then she dozes off like the sleepy angel she is. But seriously anyone else wanna get that tatooed on their body? No? Just me? That's fine. I can't wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise, I mean come on she's a shoe in, because it's gonna be gooooood.
I seriously don't even wanna watch the rest of this. Since Rachel doesn't win, it's gonna be Raven or Vanessa and my bet is on Vanessa. And if ABC actually announced Rachel as the bachelorette who also is going to be a 2nd runner-up I will legitimately find Elan Gale and have a word with him. He seems like a reasonable fellow. He would let me punch someone in the face, I think.
I'm like ready for the Final Rose ceremony at this point. I'm mad. I'm watching Raven's date where she admits her last boyfriend was a piece of trash and she never said she loved him because she also hated him and like that's all sad and stuff but I really don't care. I don't care about anything at this point. NOTHING MATTERS. No matter who Nick chooses they're probably gonna break up. And if they get married, the divorce rate is 50% folks!
Welp. This post ended on a great note. I will see you guys next week at the Women Tell All where we have to hear Taylor say the words "emotional intelligence" 15 more times, and Corinne continue to sit there and not care about anyone's opinions. And you'll see me scarfing down a bag of Veggie Straws, laughing at all the fake drama and crying when my bag of chips are gone. :(
Also, one last commentary on Raven's whole um "my last boyfriend was terrible in bed" situation:
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