Dear Random Greasy Teenage Boy,
It has come to my abrupt attention that you find me physically attractive. Or maybe you call all your girl friends "mama." (Which I'm assuming is the white boy version of "mami" but somehow worse??) While I am aware of how cute I am, and that others may feel the same way, there are many other ways to go about this. Not that you would have a chance in H-E-double-hockey-sticks of buying me anything off the dollar menu you can afford, but I'm sure there's someone out there who's attracted to insecurity and poor decision making skills in a prepubescent man. And when you find that rare gem, here are your options:
A) Start a conversation with them like a normal human. Introduce yourself by something other than any sound an animal can make. Tell them your name or your aspirations to be in prison one day.
B) Control your raging hormones and shut your pie hole. Go for a swim. Do you know how to do that? Did your mom teach you? Do you have a mom?
C) Think about something else, like your obvious lack of female role models. Or your small, tiny, undeveloped brain. Try and dwell on how you can fix that instead of demonstrating it openly to the world.
D) Play the quiet game with yourself, and see who wins!!
E) Eat a donut. Donuts are good. And then your mouth will be full and you won't be able to share your unwanted thoughts with anyone. Yummy, yummy donut! Yucky misogyny!
If the previous options are not working for you, do yourself a favor and remove yourself from all places where you could come in contact with a female. Living in solitary confinement is underrated. There, you will never come across the stressful situation of treating a girl as if she is an actual person. You will be able to live in your fantasy world where every woman is at your beck and call, and shouting incoherently at her will make her yours forever. You have allllll the girlfriends. And no one is flipping you off! Fantastic.
Please send this to your other underage friends as a general guide. For more information, please watch this video:
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