The Art of Tindering PT. 2

Welcome to the second part of an undetermined amount of posts in my series where I teach you how to own one of the best and worst platforms ever created. Except you can't be the queen, that's my job. You can be like a handmaiden or something.

Me in my Tinder domain.

PART 2: Swiping Right

I have had Tinder on and off for years now, and I currently have 289 matches. That's pretty good for someone who just made a swipe left list that consists of 90% of the Tinder population. You guys just underestimate how many people are actually on this unholy app. We think Tinder is just for floozies looking for their flavor of the week and major creepos. The word "Tinder" in itself has become an unspeakable, grungy word that means you have given up. I admit that's why I initially re-downloaded this app for the billionth time. But there is a large chunk of the Tinder crowd that has not given up. They are clinging onto that last bit of hope like the last cookie. And through meeting those people, it's actually given me some hope. They gave me some of their cookie and... and... *tears up* I think that's so beautiful. All the lonely people have rallied together to sing We're Not Gonna Take It on the rooftops. Or from the comfort of our couches. We're on a group phone call singing it.

When it comes to swiping right, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. There are exceptions to every rule, even the ones on my heck naw list. I swipe right more than you guys think. I'm not always a complete rhymes-with-witch. Like the previous list, this one is very catered to my personality and is guaranteed to not be of any help to you. Why am I even making these? Idk. Something to go in my future autobiography of how I became the rich, single, successful cat lady I am.

10 HECK YESES

Aminals
If they have a pet it means they know how to take care of a living thing and make sure it doesn't die. That's a pretty good quality to have if you ask me. I also like to imagine them talking in baby voices to their pet and it makes them way less intimidating.

Beneficial Occupation
I swiped someone right once because they were the manager of a Cold Stone. Silly? Yes. Genius? Also yes. Make sure their occupation is something you will be more than happy to tell people and never lie about.

BIB
An abbreviation me and a friend coined (and eventually wrote a song about) meaning Boys in Bands. Since I was in kindergarten, I always wanted a boy to sing to me like Waldo did to Darla in Little Rascals. I would draw pictures of me in the sparkly red dress and whoever I was crushing on singing to me in a tuxedo. While this scenario has yet to happen, I am swiping right on anyone with the slightest bit of musical talent until my childhood dream comes true. <3 <3 <3 Or someone that looks good in a tux, either/or.

Makes me lol
One day I am making a hall of fame of all of the funny/obnoxious/unreal tinder profiles I have seen. Already saving up screenshots for you guys, don't worry. ;) They don't need to be a stand up comedian, but if there's anything in there that makes me giggle, they just became 92384 times cuter. This is science.

Age Aprope
It's a sad reality, but it's hard to find worthwhile guys my age on Tinder. They are usually a few years younger, including some of the dates I've already told you about. I just didn't mention it because I no longer care. My age limit on Tinder is 22-29. Because 21 sounds way too young, and the fact that I am eligible to date 30 year olds is too scary and I am in denial.

Trophy Husband
They are too good looking to exist, much less be on Tinder, and little hearts come out yo eyes. The ones you overlook all the glaring red flags for just so you have a chance to gaze upon them in real life. Celebrities marry beneath them all the time, and they seem perfectly content with being the hotter one. So I feel like I could make it work.

Got Good Skills
When guys put random skills like they can stuff a high number of marshmallows into their mouth or they are an undefeated thumb wrestling champion, it tells me a few things. One, that they don't take themselves too seriously. And two, that I am definitely going to try and beat them regardless because I am relentlessly competitive.

Mutual Interests
Those little boxes at the bottom are so handy. One of my favorite interests are those old Facebook pages titled things like "being a fan," so when you liked it it'd say, "Makenzie is a fan of being a fan." Hahahaha. I still think those are funny. Why does Facebook hate fun?

Ego Boosts
I will be the first to admit that from time to time I swipe right because I am so positive we will match, even if I don't necessarily want to. It's like a game I play with myself. I suddenly turn into a guy gambling in the 1920s. *puts on a fedora and starts smoking a cigar* "This fella says he loves redheads? We'll give him a go... hotsy-totsy, a match! I'm hittin on all sixes now!"

That One Guy
Sometimes lightning strikes, and that cute guy you saw at school/church/the dentist's office but were too terrified to talk to shows up and you're like THANK YOU Tinder. It's like Pokemon Go, but for sad people. You found them and are determined to catch them in your Tinderball.

Remember, if you are giving up hope in your dating life, so is everyone else. You are not special. You just need to put your big boy pants on and do something about it. Whether that's Tinder, or asking that girl from class, or simply going outside today. Baby steps. But there are 124.6 million single people in America. If you are ultra picky like myself and that still sounds like finding a needle in a haystack, then start looking. Your future significant other is not going to show up delivered on your doorstep in a nicely wrapped package. You will find them while you are out there doing things. Live your life, put yourself out there, and good things will happen. Wow. When did I get so optimistic??? What is happening to me?