Bachelor Recap: DONE

Previously, on the bachelor... Nick met all the people who are going to want him dead once he breaks their sweet little girls hearts. And Andi showed up for literally no reason other than to boost ratings because Corinne hasn't had a chance to interrupt any conversations or grind on him lately, so they needed something to happen.

"The last time Andi knocked on my hotel door, she broke up with me... so what the f*** is she doing here now?"

Ah yes, there's the Nick I don't hate.

Vanessa is blubbering on about how unspecial she feels knowing there's other women that Nick is dating. My eyes are permanently stuck looking at the ceiling from how hard I rolled them. I damaged my corneas, thanks V. She looks great though. So does Rach. I want a whole nother show where they get roses just based on their outfits. And the winner stays a single, strong, independent woman with a fantastic wardrobe. Okay but Raven gets the fashion rose on this one, her black sparkly dress is what dreams are made of. I want these stylists to dress me so bad I'm willing to pretend to drink the wine while secretly spitting it out and act a fool just to get some free sparkly things.

Okay, back to Andi and Nick's boring conversation. Nick says he won't just get engaged because he's the Bachelor which we all know is a bunch of lies. Maybe he's trying to send Andi a secret message to wait for him if this all blows up in his face. Then to make it weirder she starts giving him fantasy suite date advice, as if he doesn't already know what's going to go down. But she goes on a self-proclaimed "feminist rant" that he should do whatever he wants as long as they both feel comfortable. I'm wondering where this is going but then she's like "remember when you said that embarrassing thing on national television trying to humiliate and slut shame me in front of everybody?" For those who aren't aware or who have forgotten, Nick famously said on the After the Final Rose episode to Andi, "if you weren't in love with me... why did you make love to me?" referring to the fantasy suite overnight date. He finally apologizes to her for that which makes me happy because throwing out something on national television that was not agreed upon by both parties is like, sorry there's no other way to say this, a dick move. It wasn't cool, and just gave him more bad egg vibes. She accepts his apology and says not to let him affect his decision making when it comes to whether or not he will make love to the 3 other women. The whole thing is weird and uncomfy and I'm glad it's over. Onto the rose ceremony, for the love of Chris Harrison.

MOTHEREFFING ABC okay, so before the rose ceremony we are like oh no who is going to go home, and then they show Raven on a fantasy suite date so obviously she doesn't!! I'm like legitimately pissed off, idk if I'll watch Bachelor in Paradise now (I totally will I am a huge slut for the bachelor and will always be no matter what.) I mean it's just unclear if I will continue watching this show.

Holy shiz Rachel gets a rose too and we all know she doesn't win so OMG omg okay now I'm freaking out. Fuhreaking out. I hate this. NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo. And we say goodbye to the amazing, hysterical, beautiful, enchanting, perfect Corinne.

Okay but my heart is breaking, this is so sad. She is completely devastated. She apologizes for anything she might have done to make him upset, which he says she didn't. He says his goodbyes to her like a gentleman and then, the most wonderful thing happens. She has a breakthrough in the limo. I am going to type out for you the entire script she says because I'm thinking of framing it above my bed:

I just wanna feel loved, the way it's supposed to be, like, the normal way... why can't I just have a normal relationship? I'm trying to say things that men think are appropriate and... ya know what? I'm done. DONE trying to show my men how much I worship them and I love them and I care for them and I support them. I need that! So, if someone feels that way about me they can come and tell me and can bring a ring to go along with it. I'm done trying to impress these men. I'm going to be me! And whatever happens, happens. But I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life. I'm tired and done, I'm done. I wanna go to sleep.

And then she dozes off like the sleepy angel she is. But seriously anyone else wanna get that tatooed on their body? No? Just me? That's fine. I can't wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise, I mean come on she's a shoe in, because it's gonna be gooooood.

I seriously don't even wanna watch the rest of this. Since Rachel doesn't win, it's gonna be Raven or Vanessa and my bet is on Vanessa. And if ABC actually announced Rachel as the bachelorette who also is going to be a 2nd runner-up I will legitimately find Elan Gale and have a word with him. He seems like a reasonable fellow. He would let me punch someone in the face, I think.

I'm like ready for the Final Rose ceremony at this point. I'm mad. I'm watching Raven's date where she admits her last boyfriend was a piece of trash and she never said she loved him because she also hated him and like that's all sad and stuff but I really don't care. I don't care about anything at this point. NOTHING MATTERS. No matter who Nick chooses they're probably gonna break up. And if they get married, the divorce rate is 50% folks!

Welp. This post ended on a great note. I will see you guys next week at the Women Tell All where we have to hear Taylor say the words "emotional intelligence" 15 more times, and Corinne continue to sit there and not care about anyone's opinions. And you'll see me scarfing down a bag of Veggie Straws, laughing at all the fake drama and crying when my bag of chips are gone. :(

Also, one last commentary on Raven's whole um "my last boyfriend was terrible in bed" situation:

Bachelor Recap: Glass Cage of Emotion

Putting this up early so you can get my fresh, unedited thoughts right from the get go. This show has become a bit of a kill joy lately seeing as how Nick refused to sleep with Corinne and ABC stupidly announced the bachelorette early so we already know Rachel goes home. But... I'ma still watch doe.

Previously, on the bachelor Nick just sent Kristina home and Corinne is having a full on anxiety attack thinking she could be next. But we all know she makes it to hometowns thanks to ABC's episode previews so there's no more guessing in this show at all. I think they're just gonna announce the new bachelor at the same time the first episode of Rachel's season airs because nothing matters and they know we will still watch it because we are all their slaves now. Are subliminal messages still a thing? Are we all programmed to become a violent army at any moment? Kudos, ABC.

Nick needs to stop being so nice because it's pissing me off. WE ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Cut the crap. I'm just waiting for that People magazine headline where it's like "Nick had 5 secret girlfriends the whole time!!" and his life is destroyed. Wow. This is why I'm not dating right now.

Despite the black hole that is my heart, I am excited for Raven's date. She's fun. I said earlier I was expecting some deep dark secret to come out about her, but she's practically perfect and I hate her. The whole police officer prank was genius. And their ATV date ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Kissing in the muddy water is a whole nother level of cute I will probably never reach because I become more of a germaphobe the older I get so you would not catch me in that water.

Nick is bringing her mom flowers which means I got that question wrong on the Fantasy League quiz DANG IT. I guessed wine. I thought after 2 hometown dates and 2 immediate rejections he'd want to be completely plastered for these ones but guess not.

And then Raven's finds out her dad is CANCER FREE which is incredible and there are tears and Nick looks emotional and it's just melting my cold dead heart. I think she could make it to the next round, but Vanessa has been my final rose from the start and I got to be true to my girl. But I reeeeeally like Raven and if she isn't the final pick I hope she's on Bachelor in Paradise because she deserves to be fought over. I would like to see it happen. At the end of their hometown date, Raven contemplates telling Nick she loves him but doesn't because 3 other girls still exist and that's enough to make anyone question a relationship so I don't blame her. I don't think it will affect her chances either way because she's clearly into him and Nick asked for her dad's permission to marry her so all is well in that messed up department.

Obviously I am not excited for Rachel's date because we all know she goes home. The question is why? Does he say something racist and pisses off the entire family? Did he vote for Trump? He looks like a guy that voted for Trump. Maybe he mentions it at dinner and they all collectively stare at him and just say "get out" and that's that.

Let's skip to the part where either he breaks her heart or her father breaks his face. Okay so blah blah blah Rachel is black blah blah blah Nick is white. Her brother in law looks so much like Nick and I think that's hysterical. The fam has a type. White bearded men who look racist but probably aren't. Lol. Everything seemed to go well so I won't be surprised if she's in the top 3. The whole thing makes me very anxious though. It's like waiting for the needle to go in when you're getting a shot. The waiting is worse than the actual pain. Ugh. I hate you ABC. Anyways, onto the next date.

Corinne is the first person on these hometowns to tell Nick that she loves him because again, she's the smartest person there. I'm very on board with the whole "just say what you're feeling" thing Corinne has going on. I'm not one to hold back. Except for the removing clothes part in front of strangers, never done that before. She can win in that respect.

And making these faces. Gold medal goes to her.

I think Jim, Corinne's dad, could have his own show. He's adorable. I want him to be my second dad. Jim brings up the fact that she is filthy rich and Nick could take advantage of that. Corinne said she's totally okay with being the bread winner. That's not something you hear from a lot of women and I highly respect it. This isn't to say Nick would be okay with it, but I'm glad Corinne isn't concerned about money because she probably has enough to retire right now. Financial stresses are huge factors in breakups/divorce and is something I personally am always concerned about, so to get to a place where I'd be cool if the guy was jobless sounds fantastic. As long as he's not homeless. Like maybe he hurt himself while building orphanages in Africa and so now he is disabled so I have to care for him. I'd be down for that.

Vanessa's date is next and he gets to meet all her special needs students. Most of them are crying when they see her. SO freaking cute. My heart is now a pool of liquid lying at the bottom of my rib cage. Yes, I should probably see a doctor. But Nick has made some solid final picks, including Vanessa. I try not to think about the other women while he's on a date but holy cannoli is he going to have a hard time sending these ladies home. Well done. But if Nick has gotta choose someone solely based on food, it's gotta be Vanessa and her Italian fam. The imaginary smell of the baked cheese through the screen almost puts me in a coma. This could also be due to my current rabbit food diet but we will discuss that later. I'm drooling so hard at this dinner table. So yes, if we are going off of that alone, we are going to have to pick her, Nick! Trust me.

Every family is so protective over their girl, so Vanessa's is no different. So instead of getting to know him personally they hound him on what life would be like after the Bachelor. They live in Canada sooooooo it goes without saying they are wondering if she's going to have to uproot her life for him. She admits they haven't discussed that, because 3 other women, but I'm getting an inkling she'd pretty much do anything for Nick. MY HEART.

But now Vanessa acts like she's never seen this show before and is surprised that Nick has asked for every girl's father's blessing to marry them. She says she now has to "reevaluate" their relationship. Um. Okay, now listen to me very carefully past Vanessa. You are on a dating show, and have known this the whole time. There are 3 other women. He is contemplating marrying all 4 of you, so no, he's not sure that you're the one yet. If you weren't on a TV show, yes, be very upset that your boyfriend has asked 3 other women's father's if he could marry them. But you're on THE BACHELOR. And it's not over yet. You have 3 more rose ceremonies and never in the history of ever has the bachelor just skipped to the engagement part this quickly. But she's apparently super blindsided that the other women exist and that he has feelings for them, so she goes to his hotel to talk to him about it before the ceremony. Like what is she expecting to happen? Is she gonna force a proposal out of him? No. Is he going to tell her "okay yeah you're secretly my #1 but don't tell the other women lol"? No. Is she going to leave the show? HA. No. She's been threatening that since the beginning and it's not going to happen.

BUT THEN ANDI SHOWS UP AT HIS DOOR hahahhahahhahahhahahha. What the fudge. I know that it didn't work out with Josh because he's the actual worst, but if she's trying to get Nick back that will be insane pants. If the producers are just trying to make it look like that's what's happening, but she's actually just there to stir things up for no reason, that is the dumbest. I don't think he's ending up with Andi. But like what??? She has a book doesn't she? Does she really have nothing else going on? Is Vanessa gonna find her there and they're gonna brawl????

Well, find out next week on the Neverending Shizshow that for once is not my life and is Nick Viall's.

Bachelor Recap: Bimini Boppity Boo

When we left last week it was fresh after Nick had sent Danielle L. home and he shares his feelings with the women about it saying, "what in the actual hell am I doing on this show for the 4th time, did someone drug me, I need to go bye" and sprints out the room as fast as he can. He's having his weekly Come to Jesus chat with Chris Harrison where he shares these same feelings and Chris reassures him he came on this show of his own free will. When Nick walks back into the room the next day to talk to the women, his first words are "where is everyone" like he thought they were all right where he left them staring at the door, waiting for him to come back, in pools of their own tears. Most of them were sleeping, lol.

They breathe a sigh of relief when Nick tells them he's not going anywhere, because did anyone really think he would just quit the show in the middle of it? BEFORE the fantasy suite dates?? K, me neither, lets move on.

My favorite thing the girls do is when Nick announces a new place they are going to they all shout it really loud and act excited even though you can tell they have never heard of this place before in their entire lives. It's so cute. They do this with Bibony. Bebany. Bibini? NOTHING I GOOGLE WORKS. I don't know where the hell they are going.

BIMINI. Ha. Thank you Raven for bringing to my attention there was an "M" in the word.

Bimini Island is suddenly everyone's dream vacay spot. Maybe I'm just like an idiot and it really is a thing, but I'm going to go ahead and say they are just happy to travel because from what I hear the producers lock them up with no communication from the outside world and so they really do create a mini universe for themselves where Nick is the sun and everything revolves around him. It actually sounds very unsafe the more I think about it. This show should not exist. But we all knew that.

SIDE NOTE: Can I point out that the rest of the ladies seem perfectly fine with being buddy buddy with Corinne and hanging out?? Sure, the producers could probably be like "go stand over there with your arms around each other for a minute" but the second Taylor went home all the Corinne drama subsided. Because MAYBE, just maybe, she's a nice person who is easy to get along with? Idk. It's crazy what the editors of this show can do for your perceptions of other people. REMEMBER WHEN NICK WAS THE ENEMY? DO YOU? DO YOU???

But we all know that the ultimate Corinne episode is about to take place with her trying to sleep with him, so all that friendship may go out the window and I'm ready for it.

A date card comes and the girls all lose their shiz like always, because no one wants to stay in the house trapped with their own thoughts and no Netflix. The first date goes to Vanessa, and this will be her second one-on-one which pisses Corinne off because she has yet to have a one-on-one with Nick. I think that because she came on so strong in the beginning Nick isn't worried about the relationship, and doesn't necessarily need to spend more time with her right now. Either that, or he actually is losing interest which is why Corinne busts out her "How to Win Back My Future Fiancé With My Body" plan which is her bread and butter. AGAIN, I'm not slut shaming her, I am just saying that is what she is good at and she knows that she can remind Nick of that pretty much anytime she wants. I think Corinne is so necessary to this show because without her he would like like Mr. Knight in Shining Whatever and we'd have totally warped perceptions of him. She brings us back down to earth and reminds us that he is human. And I think we are about to witness the first time in Nick's life that he is saying no to sex. I'm so pumped right now.

Meanwhile on Vanessa's date, she tells Nick she's falling in love with him and he hits her with a, "I really like you."

Um. What?

Everyone knows that one of the rules of this show is that the bachelor/ette cannot tell the contestants they love them before the final rose ceremony. Everyone also knows that they consistently break this rule all the time. So if Nick REALLY wanted to, he could've said "I'm falling in love with you too" but he didn't. And Vanessa is a little taken back. Because each contestant feels like what they have with Nick is special and is stronger than everyone else's relationship, as they should. But every person can't be right. So soon 5 girls are going to be heartbroken and flabbergasted when Nick sends them home. As long as he's not going to pull a Juan Pablo and not propose to someone and just say "Yeah I like you. I pick you." UGH. He was the worst.

Corinne dubs herself the Queen of Group Dates and feels very confident it will go how every other group date has gone for her, where Nick gives her all his attention and the other girls cry. But with only 3 girls on a group date, that's a little more difficult to pull off. And whoever gets the rose on this date gets to introduce Nick to their parents, which take it from me sister unless the guy is for sure 100% your boyfriend and no one else's boyfriend you are going to resent him forever and always for doing that when he doesn't end up choosing you. I'm not bitter. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Nick tells the girls they will be swimming with SHARKS as in SHARKS. I'm with Kristina when she says "I know they can bite... and smell blood and... you can die... " I'd so not be down for this date. Send me home. I don't care. When I was 2 or 3 years old, we were fishing in a pond and when I caught a fish and saw it flopping around on the ground, I dropped my pole and ran the other way straight towards traffic. Yep. I have deep seeded fish anxiety which I'm sure could be worked out in therapy but that's a topic for another day. Screw love, I'd rather be alone forever than swim with sharks. Like I have a choice. SELF BURN.

Danielle's date is pretty lackluster and Nick says he doesn't see a future with her anymore due to lack of chemistry and tells her exactly that. The moment of this episode that broke my heart was when Nick said, "I'm sorry, you're just so great... " and Danielle says " ...not great enough." A;LSDKFJAS;LJ. Flip. That's so real though. Why are there so many of those moments on this season?? I think it's because Nick is so honest with these women in a way we're not used to and they in turn are comfortable being honest with him. As much as it sucks to hear the truth, I would rather be given that than a long list of why I am so awesome. Like, shut up. If I am so awesome why are you breaking up with me right now. Give it to me straight. What is it you hate about me?? Spare no details. Thanks.

And ladies and gentleman, the moment we've all been waiting for... Corinne "sneaks" off to his hotel but we all know the producers gladly provided her with his room number and made sure she knew exactly where to go.

There are no words for how much I love this quote.

She then literally leads him to the bedroom and we hear a verbal "OKAY" from Nick. Two seconds later we hear him say "this isn't a good idea" and a very long exasperated sigh from Corinne. She then leaves and goes into a "I may not be getting my way" anxiety attack and for the first time ever does not want to go home to her nanny Raquelle. That whole thing was kind of a let down, I expected someone to get an STD from the previews but those damn editors know what they're doing.

Then the next day he sends Kristina home early. So the girls are seeing each other get picked off one by one like some twisted scary dating movie and talk about it like that. "I COULD BE NEXT" they say in hushed whispers. They cry and shake and huddle together for protection. I mean, with the right music this show could be a decent horror flick.

But of course the show ends right after this so we still don't know who goes to hometowns, but apparently Jimmy Kimmel already announced the new Bachelorette?? AND IT'S SOMEONE WHO IS STILL ON THE SHOW???? I'm so mad. So if you haven't heard already, or are determined not to know until Nick's season ends, stop reading. But the next Bachelorette is going to be Rachel, someone who is very much dating Nick right now on the current show. She said to Jimmy Kimmel it's because they are going to start filming in a few weeks. I don't know who goofed that up, but I am going to kick them in the shins. I am very disappointed because ABC is usually very good about keeping all that under wraps. Now we have to wait and see exactly which moment Rachel is going to get her heart broken, and if she is in the final two that is going to SUCK because we will know who gets picked.

But, really. Don't do that. Wtf.

But congrats to Rachel! I really like her a lot. And she's the first black bachelorette ever, which is like ridiculous it took them this long to do that but I am happy it's finally happening none the less.

Alright, so conclusion is this show is horrible and I am sad every time I watch it. When does it start getting happy again??

Bachelor Recap: Maybe This Time

[This post is hecka long but hecka worth it. #knowledge]

Since yesterday I did my taxes for 3 HOURS and got a bunch of other grown up stuff done, I decided it was time to treat myself with some quality time of women who are not currently behaving like grown ups. All I've heard so far from a friend was "all these women are on their periods. they are all crying" and then another said the ending was *audible gasp*. So I was pretty pumped. I grab some chips and start stuffing my face as I hover over the play button. And JUST as I do my cousin Facetimes me to tell me how good the bachelor was and that Corinne has some amazing one liners as always. And my mom is texting me that everyone is losing their minds. I GET IT OKAY JUST LEMME WATCH IT.

Previously on the bachelor, Taylor does some weird voodoo stuff in prep to interrupt a date to prove she is less crazy than Corinne. She said Corinne lacked emotional intelligence but I'm doubting Taylor's regular intelligence at this point.

Taylor tells Corinne she's not mature or intelligent, Corinne tells Nick this, and then Taylor tells Nick that Corinne lied. Then Nick lies by saying, "I appreciate you telling me this" when really he and Corinne's footsies were getting hot and heavy under the table and he'd like to return to that.

Nick continues his date with Corinne because Taylor's voodoo magic didn't work and all of his body parts still function, including the one that is very much attracted to Corinne.

Then the cocktail party is cancelled, and the girls are worried that if they only had 5 minutes alone with him to share their tragic backstory they could've stayed another week. But Nick's mind is made up because he cannot bare to have one more conversation about Corinne so help he marry her right now. The girls are only adding fuel to the fire.

I'm not gonna lie, one of my favorite parts of this show is looking at their outfits and makeup. And that's what I'm doing instead of listening to Nick pretend to be sad about sending girls home and getting that much closer to the Fantasy Suite dates.

I get another text asking if I've watched the bachelor yet. HOLW COW does he kill someone? Does he propose he be the next star of Sister Wives and tell them who he chooses?? Does Taylor create an actual voodoo doll and suddenly we see Corinne's head spin around while she laughs and act like nothing happened???

So far so good. Rose ceremony is normal. No shockers yet. He's gonna send home all the people who haven't gotten much camera time. That's how it always works. Except seriously who is Whitney will someone please tell me??? I don't think we've seen them have a full conversation yet. But whatever she stays. But bye Josephine, bye oh shoot I can't remember her name. Fierce bisexual with the purple lipstick. And BYE ALEXIS :'( okay I'm really sad she's leaving. She was such good energy for the house. And we haven't seen her emotional til this very moment. Which let's be honest, it super sucks being rejected especially after competing with other unusually beautiful women. Unless you have a heart of ice and the self confidence of Beyoncé you are going to have a little bit of a hard remaining calm cool and collected throughout the whole process and if you ever get sent home. Everyone gets a crying pass for when they leave.

And I try to remind myself of this when Jasmine starts getting emotional when she didn't get the one on one date, because it has to be difficult only going on only group dates for like a month and a half? Is that how long it's been? Idk. This could be a year long process and we wouldn't know because of how much they edit.

I want someone to look at me one day the way that Corinne looked at her St. Thomas Substitute Nanny when she walked in the room. And let's be real, I think we all secretly want a nanny. No? Just me then? K.

I couldn't find a GIF of the exact moment but it was like this except make her eyes 10x bigger.

Nick and Christina's date is super cute blah blah blah but I'm not here for that. I'm here to see the catastrophic world-stopping events that must have occurred and I think I might be setting myself up for disappointment...

BUT THEN the tension starts. My girl Danielle gets put on a two on one with Whitney. DA FUH. Whitney makes sense. We know nothing about her. And she's quiet. I don't trust the quiet ones. But Danielle?? The badass business woman who has her life together and is super cute and has had a strong connection with Nick this whole time? OKAY.

Before that nonsense, the rest of the girls have a group date on a beach. Looking at the girls smoking hot bods in their bikinis reminds me I need to hit the gym more often. But then I look at my chips and think whoever loves me is going to love alllll of me in my fatty mcfat glory and I continue eating.

The only thing better than Corinne is Drunk Corinne. And the only thing better than Drunk Corinne is Drunk Corinne Playing Volleyball. The unfortunate thing is I think she's still better at volleyball than sober me. I understand completely why some girls are not wanting to play because the last thing I need to show the man I am crushing on is how extraordinarily ungifted I am in the athletic department. That's something I will straight up lose, and being a competitive person, this frustrates me greatly. I'm what you call a bit of a "sore loser" and someone who is apparently "not allowed in Chuckie Cheese anymore." Those damn skeet balls.

Rachel not wanting to compete for Nick's attention, although ironic, is kinda respectable. I personally think the second you try to compete for a man you end up losing respect. I do it all the time, but regardless, my statement stands true.

I think I blinked and missed what set it off but eventually everyone stopped playing volleyball and people started crying because Nick wasn't talking to them. He recognizes the day was a bit of a disaster because feelings are getting more real and the girls are less "wow this is a fun game" and more "why is that girl looking at my boyfriend." It sounds super rough. Rachel ends up talking to him about how uncomfortable she is on group dates, and Nick tells her how he had his own anxiety issues when he was on the show at this stage which I highly respect. As I said, I think you'd have to be a robot to not be having several panic attacks a day at this stage in the game. But it's kinda something you have to suck up and just hope he continues to hand you roses so you can get to the end where he can truly break your heart and all your fears will manifest themselves when you win 2nd place and then you have permission to be a wreck!!

Jasmine is a ticking time bomb of word vomit. She's venting to the girls and continues her rant into her conversation with Nick. She's upset she hasn't had a one on one, hasn't had any group roses, and feels generally looked over. She goes from crying and needing emotional reassurance to jokingly saying she wants to choke him and cause him bodily harm and now is throwing out sexual innuendos. All through smiling tears. I don't think she realizes how this is coming off, so let me tell you now just in case you haven't watched yourself Jasmine: not well. Your emotions are making you look like a psycho. Notice I am not calling her psycho. I think the pressure is getting to her in a negative way and you can observe the light slowly dimming from Nick's eyes as he mentally closes off any romantic highways with her. He then as delicately as he can sends her home, and makes sure the Bachelor security guards are within 5 feet of him the rest of the evening. This I can only assume.

His mouth is smiling but his eyes are screaming "help"

Now for this stupid two on one. I would rather jump into the shark infested seas than ever go on a date like this. But we finally get to see him and Whitney converse, and I'm very excited to see how that works. Nick tells her she is beautiful, sweet, and calming. Aka she sits there and smiles and he likes to bask in her presence and pretend he's not on this stressful show. I guess you want that in a future spouse, but seeing as he's into the louder more sass-mouth types I don't see that as Nick language for he's actually into her. My suspicions are confirmed when he sends her home. BUT then in his later alone time with Danielle he is wearing the same shirt that we see him cry in in a clip so SOMETHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN. I'm so excited. I need a pee break.

I also remembered that I needed to return my Redbox so I did that and then McDonalds was right there so obviously I needed Dr. Pepper but now I'm back! Let's do this.

Why does this date feel so awkward? Uh oh. Is he gonna send D. Lo home too???? Wahhhh. That's me crying when I don't get my way. Ugh. I'm sad. Okay. Maybe he won't! Maybe in the clip he is crying because he learned that his uncle died or something. That's terrible that I'm hoping someone died instead of her going home. Okay wow I can't even shut myself up enough to watch sorry.

WHY IS THIS DATE SO AWKWARD. This is killing me. Nick is being weirdly non-chatty and asking boring questions and the conversation is not flowing well. This is nothing like their first date. I'm scared.

DAMMIT he sent her home.

Welp.

Love is dead.

Nothing matters.

I hate this show.

Jk I love this show. But I hate watching this show when I'm single. In a relationship it's like, "wow that girl is nuts right babe?" and when I'm single I'm like "OMG ME :( :( :(" and feel all the pain of every breakup and every rejection and every horrible dating situation ever. I feel for both of them. Nick is frustrated because he should like her. There's nothing wrong with her. But his heart isn't in it. He can't explain it, it's just not. I've been there. And Danielle is left feeling confused and unwanted. And we've all been there. I prefer the breakups where it's like "oh he did this horrible thing so I ended it" and it's completely understandable. I hate the ones where it's like "it's not you it's me" because you can't reason your way out of your heartbreak. You still feel the way you feel and you can't write the other person off as a jerk for doing the right thing. Then you're like well what the hell is wrong with me??

NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOU YOU BEAUTIFUL ANGELFISH

Okay so this topic might be a little fresh on my mind. I feel like I am fairly hopeful about dating someone in the beginning and think "this won't be a big deal if it doesn't work out." But investing time in someone means getting attached. And getting attached means potentially getting hurt. And being hurt sucks. And I feel like each heartbreak is somehow worst than the last, even though I always say "I can't do that ever again." Kinda like Nick! Wow I'm relating to Nick wtf. But that boy has been through the ringer. No I've never had a filmed rejected proposal before, but I've been with more than one person thinking that could be it! Maybe this time it'll be okay. Maybe this time could be the last time. Because honestly?? I am tired. I am so so over getting my heart broken that I feel like whoever is going to unbreak it is going to have one hell of a mountain to climb. But ultimately, I do wanna end up with someone. I just wanna skip to the part where we can be gross around each other and still be madly in love. But it's not a thing to just be like "I'm done dating" and expect someone to just knock on your door. In order to be done with dating, you have to date. It's called CRUEL IRONY. And the only thing keeping me going is saying "maybe this time."

Yes, I am ending my post with a song because I am SAD NICK HOW COULD YOU. Okay. I'm calm. Cool. Collected. Now listen to everything I am feeling right now with this song as I play it on repeat for 6 hours. It's called Maybe This Time. Enjoy!

Bachelor Recap: Whipped Cream & Lies

My intention was to post weekly recaps of each episode, but I think people need to stop saying 2016 was the worst year because 2017 is taking that as a challenge. This month has kicked my trash five ways to Sunday. With funerals, moving apartments, and all the traveling which I hate with a fiery passion (when I get rich I will personally fund the scientists who are working on teleportation because I am losing my patience), I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. But of course I have still been keeping up with the Bachelor, obviously. I just haven't been able to have any time to sit down and actually write something coherent. The words were coming out more angry than usual, and I finally figured out why. We will get to that part. But first and foremost, the woman of the hour.

Let's talk about Corinne. Although I will never stop making fun of the fact that she has an actual nanny, Corinne knows Nick better than anyone else in the house. She is the only one paying any attention. She knows that he makes impulsive decisions, is unapologetic, and is "no bullshit." That's why we like him, right? So please tell me... WHY IS EVERYONE SURPRISED THAT HE LIKES CORINNE? Calculated by three whole seasons worth of what we know about him thus far, this is his dream girl. And people are taking offense to the fact that she is open with him sexually, as if NICK, wouldn't enjoy that. NICK. Do you guys remember anything about him? The guy who slept with someone on national television without so much as an "oopsy daisy?" Or did we all watch Bachelor in Paradise and forget the reason he was even talked about in the first place?

He's actually crying because none of the girls offered to do him in the ocean.

Now that we have remembered Nick is well, a man whore, and since Corinne showing her boobs on national television makes her a whore (except when Shawn from Kaitlyn's season ran around butt naked no one called him names BUT OKAY), they should be a match made in heaven. Yet these girls are losing their shiz. At least they were a few episodes ago, throwing tantrums and threatening to leave if he continued to show interest in someone who is exactly his type. They mask it as "just looking out for him" as if he isn't a grown ass man that can look out for himself. It's not caring, it's manipulative. It actually pissed me off how much time they were wasting talking about it. Have they ever watched a season of the Bachelor?? Talking to the bachelor/bachelorette about other contestants ALWAYS backfires, and you end up looking like an even bigger douche. Cue case in point...

Oh Taylor. The more this weird argument continued about what exactly is emotional intelligence and why Nick would give a shit about that, I had an epiphany. This drama was all too familiar to me. I recognize Taylor's insecurity screaming from a mile away, because I have BEEN Taylor. Hold your gasps, I know. But I used to have a Corinne in my life. Sure we didn't battle it out in front of TV cameras, but we were into the same guy and I didn't think she was right for him. At all. I thought she was immature and annoying, and I did indeed feel superior to her in every way. I was told by this guy, my Nick if you will, "not to worry" about her, because they were just friends. I told him that I wasn't (I was.) He and I were not exclusive, but we weren't NOT together either. Ja feel? I told you guys, non-relationships will kill me one day. Maybe that's why I like the Bachelor so much? Because I have been involuntarily on it in real life so many times?? I digress. This chick was gunning for him, and everyone could see it. And he wasn't exactly turning down her advances. One example being I walked in on them cuddling on the couch at a friend's house and let him later convince me it was nothing. I know I know, I used to be a special kind of stupid. And instead of telling him to go lick a socket, I turned my anger towards her. I haaaated her. So. Much. I wanted to villainize her so badly, similar to what all these lovely contestants are doing. They are making Corinne the bad guy, and Nick is just an innocent victim. As if he doesn't know the word "no." As if her mystic lady parts are putting him under a spell that he cannot break. But I am positive he knows the word no, and from what I'm seeing he is not using it. He is reciprocating her actions, repeatedly. He likes her! Get over it. If this changes the way you see him, then leave. No one is making you stay. But if you still like him and trust his judgment, I would advise shutting your mouth about who else he is dating because you signed up for this. Taylor calling Corinne a "mean girl" is the most ironic statement, because we have witnessed the girls circle around talking shit about Corinne in every single episode. They are no better!! At all. Especially Taylor. Not only does she not get a rose, she comes back to make sure Corinne won't get one. I am going to go ahead and predict the future here and say it will not work. First of all, the previews show Corinne trying to sleep with Nick and we haven't seen that yet. Secondly, unless Corinne is part of the mafia and Taylor has solid proof, nothing she says is going to change his mind. TRUST ME TAY TAY. You are only going to be more pissed off when she makes it to the top 4 and potentially becomes his wife. Which we've seen happen on the Bachelor numerous times, and I have personally experienced. Yep. My Nick ended up marrying that girl I had "nothing to worry about". My eye still hasn't stopped twitching, BUT I was an idiot to waste anymore time talking about it. Which I did. For months. But he was being the douche, and she's not a bad person. She just has bad taste in guys. Something we have in common. :)

And I am sooooOOOOOooooo done with the double standards. I don't have time to educate anyone on this, you can google it, but calling Corinne a slut and not calling Nick a slut is a double standard. Okay? Okay. Either they are both slutty soulmates, or they are simply two people with chemistry and things in common and are just trying to date on television like every other girl there. And bless Tay when she said, "their relationship is built on whipped cream and lies" because this is a fantastic name for their sequel reality show. Also, Corinne is the funniest contestant ever. I'm not saying we would be besties in real life, but her one liners are prime. I plan on foiling this and hanging it over my bed:

"Abraham Lincoln napped! Michael Jordan napped! Why can't I nap?"

If I could have a full episode of just her interviews, I would legitimately pay for that ish on DVD. It makes me so happy. In a way, I think it'd be refreshing if people were more like Corinne. I really do. She goes for what she wants and is 100% herself while doing it. If Taylor were a little less judgmental and removed the sticks from her ass, she would see that Corinne is not actually trying to upset anyone. She is playing the game!! You are on a GAME SHOW. You guys get eliminated WEEKLY. No matter who ends up with Nick, they will still have to tell their kids that they COMPETED for Nick's love. Literally. It's my worst nightmare. I'm still down for Bachelorette though. Bring on the man tears!

I like to rewatch Bachelorette episodes when a man has hurt my feelings.

Alright, next week hopefully we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming and talk about some of the other girls on the show like WHO THE HELL IS WHITNEY and why does she keep getting roses?? Seriously, where did she come from? And I need to publicly apologize for originally nicknaming blonde Danielle "Snoozefest" because I thought she had the personality of a box of crackers, but it turns out she's probably just a little quieter than me but she's actually really funny. Sorry boo. <3

Bachelor Recap: Week 1

I'd say that most of my content I write on this blog is rated PG but this post is def PG-13 in some parts. I would advise all grandpas and anyone under the age of 13 to move along. I'M TALKING TO YOU ARLO ZANE CLARK. Please don't read this. Thanks. Love you g-pa.

As I sit down to watch the first episode of Bachelor, I am sipping hot chocolate that was given to me by a Tinder date. Well, not a date, per say. But we’ll talk about that later. I digress. So as I am sipping my hot chocolate I have obtained through normal dating, I think about how terrible I would be on a reality show. The truth is I’d probably fall in love with all of them the first night and fast forward the proposal to the next episode. It would definitely be entertaining and get fantastic ratings but my life would be destroyed and I’d forever be known as the Mormon Taylor Swift. Don’t get me wrong, I worship her, but that name would not be used as a compliment in the magazine headings. I still have hope that Arie Luyendyk from Emily’s season will eventually be the bachelor because then I will 150,000% sign up, no doubt. I love him more than I have loved any contestant on the show. Where was I going with this? Oh. I could never be on the show, unless Arie was on it. Or unless I have literally given up and need some cash. I will let those stylists put me in a tight revealing dress and make out with some guys for some good money. Yep.

ANYWAYS back to Nick. He is insane for doing this. He has been rejected not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES on national television. We hated him, we laughed with him, we cried with him. I feel like his story should be over. But I think they just feel bad for him at this point. Like the show is saying, “Sorry you got your heart mangled in a blender on our watch, and sorry we made you out to be terrible when you're not that bad, would you like 25 ladies that will obsess over you for compensation? Awesome. Please don’t sue us for defamation of character lol.”

Nick fantasizing about being shot in the face.

So intro is all about how Nick is a redeemed soul blah blah blah shower scene blah blah blah. Cut to my past bachelor babes Sean and Ben giving him some solid advice (both of them are still with their beaus). I don’t know why Chris is there. They could put an eggplant with a face drawn on it in his place and I wouldn’t notice the difference. But I’m just excited to see the 25 girls that are about to cry. They spotlight some of the ladies which I usually skip, but I knew it could be quality blog writing content so I watched.

First up is Rachel, the attorney who I felt fine about until they showed her singing to her vacuum cleaner. I get that the producers egg them on to do stupid things, but seriously?? I’m resisting the urge to look up spoilers already, which I never do. And if anyone does I will find you and murder your whole family. :)

Danielle is super cute. She owns THREE businesses which I think is awesome and I lose all interest in her love story with Nick and instead I would like her to mentor me. How does she manage all that stress and still have flawless skin? If you know her please have her contact me asapity sap.

Vanessa starts speaking French right off the bat. And Italian. I hate when all they do is emphasize that the ethnically ambiguous girls can speak another language. She is also a special ed teacher which I highly respect, but if she greets him in French I am out.

Josephine. I laughed so hard when she came on the screen. Because she looks like every other villain/dumb blonde character that comes on these shows. And in the middle of laughing I see her petting and meowing to her cat, and I stop laughing. Because they could easily convince me to do the same thing if I was in her shoes. And her cat is friggin cute. I want to know it’s name. TELL ME YOUR CAT’S NAME.

Raven, the country bumpkin who they make walk through the corn fields and train tracks for no reason as if this is her morning jog route. All I can think of is Jade from Chris’s season. She’s just giving me those “I’m really sweet but I have a dark, sexy secret that will definitely come out within the next few episodes” vibes.

Corinne lives with her family. And has a “nanny.” No no no, not an assistant, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to have as a business owner, a NANNY. I’m curious if this is the same nanny who raised her and she’s just emotionally attached, or if she literally has to wipe her butt for her? Thoughts?

Alexis. I like her. She’s seems hilarious and down to earth and I feel like we would get along. She’s also a Jersey girl, and I’ve always thought my personality would thrive in a place like New Jersey. They are very passionate, outspoken people. And I have always wanted to dramatically flip a table over. She could teach me! 

Danielle is a really pretty baby nurse lady but I’m not getting a feel for her personality yet if she has one. But the quiet ones usually go far because they seem all mysterious but it turns out they really are as boring as they seem. Or they pull a Jade and they were actually a playboy model at one point. Either or.

Taylor is a mental health counselor, and I think it’s amazing that she has already psychoanalyzed Nick. Because I do that all the time, except I don’t have a degree in it so it’s basically me looking up their astrological signs and making excuses for their behavior. "He's blatantly ignoring me? Such a Sagittarius thing to do lol." She then pulled the race card which I feel is too soon. I guess I can’t say anything because I’m not biracial, but like why are you beginning with that? I wouldn’t go “Hi, nice to meet you I’m Makenzie and I’m a ginger. Here are five stories from my childhood of people tormenting me for it. Please pity me and also let me win the bachelor thx.”

Liz has not only met Nick before, but has SLEPT with him... 9 months ago. That’s hysterical. I love her already. She’s also from Vegas and has multiple piercings so she’s ballsy. Then I notice in the previews for night one that she dyed her hair brown instead of the gorgeous auburn red color it was, and they gave her a spray tan. Now she looks like everyone else!!!!!!!!!! WTF stylists of bachelor. W. T. F. In my opinion she looked wayyyyy better before and I’m mad. I'm linking this post in Elan Gale's Instagram pics.

Okay it’s going to take too long to do introductions of each girl, so I am going to give you the list of what I have nicknamed all of them. Some of the names are highly uncreative and simply going off of words they said, but there are 25 of them and we are going to remember 3 of their real names at best so who cares:

Rachel - Vacuum Singer

Danielle - Boss Lady

Vanessa - Frenchie

Josephine - Cat Lady

Raven - Jade 2

Corinne - Nanny

Alexis - Jersey

Danielle - Snoozefest

Taylor - Race Card

Liz - Smitch

Elizabeth - Blonde Elizabeth

Christen - Batshiz

Kristina - Obligatory Girl With Accent, or, OGWA

Angela - VS Angel

Lauren - Hussie

Michelle - Lemonade

Dominique - Beyonce

Ida Marie - Awkward Turtle

Olivia - Eskimo

Sarah - Punny

Jasmine - Scary

Hailey - Sex Kitten

Astrid - German

Jamie - Balls

Briana - Definitely Going Home Tonight

Susannah - Beard Massage

Brittany - Bend Over

Jasmine - Jasmine like the Flower

Whitney - No One of Importance

Lacey - Hump Day

Here is my guesses right now before I watch it for who is getting the first impression rose. I am going to pick Boss Lady, Vacuum Singer, or Smitch. I’m reeeeally rooting for Smitch for some reason. I think it’s because in my younger days I was known to hook up with someone before I knew anything about them and then try to date them after that. Doesn’t work. Never works. But I’m hoping for her and all the smitches out there that it does. Bless her heart.

Annnnd he picks Vacuum Singer for the first impression rose, and everyone else’s feelings are immediately hurt. Granted, the first impression roses always go far and they have a really good chance of winning. It’s like saying, “Hey, not only am I not sending you home tonight, but probably not for a few episodes! Now you at least have a shot of being on Bachelor in Paradise. Congratsies.” But I think the other girls need to calm down. Just because they have seen him on TV and have fantasized about their imaginary life with him together doesn't mean they know him. But everyone’s glum faces turn upside down and their hopes and dreams are restored the second they get a rose.

BEFORE

AFTER

I love this stupid show so much.

I almost hyperventilated when he waited to give Smitch the last rose. But I understand his decision. She ghosts on him, doesn’t talk to him for 9 months, and suddenly is interested when he becomes the bachelor. But the media made him seem so sketch before, so I totally get why she didn’t want to bother. I am Team Smitch all the way and I hope she makes it far. “Children, the night I met your father I was shit faced and don’t remember most of it. Then I dated him on a reality show and now here you are.”

Hussie is a gem, and she was crying when she got sent home. Ugh. I wish there was a way I could show all the girls a crystal ball that shows that everything will be okay and they are going to be so glad Nick did not propose to them. Your kids would've all had that lisp thing, so thank your lucky stars.

Then they show the wonderful season sneak peek of all the dramatic moments to come and you start thinking thoughts like “Will Nick die alone?”, “Will Russia nuke the mansion?” and “How many people will he sleep with before his penis falls off?” But the only thing I cared about is that on a group date they perform with THE BACKSTREET BOYS. HOLY COW BALLS. NOTHING CAN TOP THAT DATE. I would literally leave after that. Bye Nick Viall, helloooo Nick Carter.

Sooooo there you have it. My thoughts on week 1. I guess this is somehow a replacement of me talking about my dating life, not because I don't have content, but because I am lazy. And the Tinder flow has slowed down quite a bit, I have only been on 2 dates in like 2 months. That's sad for me. And any other dates I go on just don't tend to be horrifying. I'M SORRY K. But now you get to listen to me make fun of people with actual problems because their life decisions have led them to dating on a reality tv show. It makes me feel a little better about having a Tinder blog, okay. And I am the epitome of mental health compared to some of these women. Someone make me the Mormon Bachelorette already, dammit.

Until next time, smitches.

The Third Wheels

It's midnight. I can't sleep. I haven't tried, but my bed looks as appealing as a dungeon floor. My body is exhausted but my brain is racing with all the times I said "you too" after the waiter told me to enjoy my food. I've tried to write this post so many times, but it always comes out preachy and stupid. They say to write drunk and edit sober. No mom, I am not intoxicated, but I am sleepy which is pretty much the same thing. Sleepy Kenzie is responsible for like 95% of all the bad decisions I have ever made in my life. I don't think this is a bad decision, but it will be a treat to see what I wrote in the morning time. It's like I'm drunk texting myself! Hi, me. Did you get a good sleep? Did you have that dream again where you were making out with Adam Levine? I sure hope so, buddy.

Okay so the topic I want to write about is very personal and maybe even too personal for people who enjoy the usual light snarkiness and running commentary on my dating life. If that is the only side of me you ever want to know about, I approve of that decision. You are excused, I won't be offended. Because we're about to get deep, ya'll. So deep I can't even see you. I don't know what that means. Here goes nothing!

For the past two days I have been dealing with major anxiety that doesn't happen very often, but often enough that I can name it and realize that I'm not actually dying no matter what my body is telling me. I like to say that if mental health was a college degree I would have majored in Depression with a minor in Anxiety. But Anxiety has been tired of not being in the spotlight so it has been taking center stage lately. Depression is glad to have a break, but also fights with Anxiety sometimes to take it's rightful place back. Instead of the two balancing each other out, it's like fighting fire with fire. It's like jumping off of a cliff and being stuck in the air. You're paralyzed with fear about falling but you're not actually moving. You can shut your eyes and pretend everything is fine or look down and freak out again. Was that too weird of a metaphor? Here's a gif of a puppy.

This puppy thinks it is going somewhere but it is not.

I don't know. Dating while having depression and anxiety is like having unwanted third wheels at all times. I'm just minding my own business, trying to enjoy spending time with another person, and anxiety is like, "Hey! Just a friendly reminder that could go wrong here. Heartbreak, disaster, death, don't leave any possible scenario out. Also spontaneous combustion is a thing, don't forget!" and then depression is like, "But none of that matters because you suck and are undeserving of happiness and love. Cheers!" And I'm like....

I'LL TAKE NOTE OF THAT THANK YOU.

There are times where they are both quiet, and I have a moment to myself. But most of the time they are right there with me. Snuggled up to me on the couch in between me and a boy. He may not see it, but it disguises itself in sudden mood swings and rude comments and picking fights for no reason. It feeds off of any negative thought and runs with it. Depression likes to self-destruct while anxiety likes to over-protect. Which means one minute I can be distant and the next clingy as all get out. It's exhausting. It's hard to keep up with. I GET IT. I'M A DIFFICULT PERSON. That's fine. I can't change the cards that were handed to me, but I can change my attitude about it. I can choose to embrace these third wheels, and make them comfy. Treat them kindly instead of telling them to shut up and go play in traffic. Acknowledge whatever I am feeling at the time, and even make sure whoever I am with knows what's going on. "Hey, sorry, I was just in a bad mood. I didn't mean to call you a douche waffle." or "Please just listen to me vent for a bit and feed my face and cuddle me and then I'll be good." Communication is key when it comes to dealing with people with mental health issues. Lucky for me, I am very vocal about a lot of things and obviously am pretty open about my struggles. Not in a oh pity me way, but like cut me some slack every now and then and realize that it's not something that is disappearing anytime soon. We are a package deal. Me, and my annoying third wheels.

I am posting about this because this helps me cope with these exact issues, and hopefully can help someone else. If anyone feels like their mental health is getting in the way of their dating life, I feels you. And you can talk to me anytime! Seriously. It's a terd in the brownie of life. But it's okay! It's all going to be okay. You are a shining star and you are doing your best. Celebrate the little victories. Like that fact that you DIDN'T send that late night text. Or you DIDN'T freak out because another female was breathing his air. Or that you DIDN'T murder anyone today.

Sometimes that is enough. You are enough. Stop beating yourself up because someone else didn't understand you well enough. One day someone is going to understand you perfectly. And you won't care that Brody Boat Shoes Wearing My Dad is a Lawyer I Have Nine Abs Handsome BYU Man didn't call you back. It. Won't. Matter!!!

Wow. I feel so great. I need to post at night more often. I love you my little turtle ducks. Good night.