Week 5 & 6 // Love Yo Self

Hello! Hi! I'm alive. I haven't been killed on any of my final Tinder dates. I went on 2 Tinder dates for week 5 & 6, unintentionally with the same 2 guys. And I have been stumped on exactly what to talk about. I couldn't think of anything funny to say, because they were perfectly good dates with REALLY NICE guys that didn't do anything wrong. They were absolute gems, cream of the crop, total sweetie poos, and completely dateable. Then it hit me! Although they were both very different, the same thing was lacking with both of them. That illusive minx, that uncontrollable power that makes or breaks a relationship: chemistry. I've talked about this a little here and there, but never into depth. But I have a lot of opinions on this subject, making it the perfect thing for me to ramble about. It's been very downplayed in church talks and even in conversations with fellow singletons, which is a shame. Chemistry is EVERYTHING. Every-thing.

I'm going to correct a few misconceptions right now about what chemistry means. Chemistry is not how cute you think they are. Chemistry is not how similar their personality is to yours. Chemistry is not how good of a kisser they are. Chemistry is simply how connected you feel to a person for unknown reasons beyond the realm of anything I can put into words. I have dated people I did not initially think were super cute, I've dated people that were the opposite of me in every way, and I've dated people that were not even that great of kissers, but I still really liked them because we had good chemistry! It's a thing. It's real. And it's important! Chemistry doesn't guarantee you'll be together forever. But it's a good place to start. I am a very passionate person who doesn't like to half-do things. If I'm in a relationship, I want to be giddy about that person. I want my eyes to light up and my heart to race when someone mentions their name. As a 25 unmarried person, I am told this goes away over time. But ya'll got me MESSED UP if you think I am not hoping for that to last for the good first part of a relationship and even marriage. I'm going to tell you guys something really cute, okay? I was talking to my mom about this, and she said she still gets butterflies when my dad walks into the room. And she didn't even have to say this out loud for all us kids to notice, because she usually jumps on him and makes sure to gross us out with how affectionate she is every time he comes home. Okay, not EVERY time, but a fair amount more than is probably normal for people who have been married as long as they have (almost 30 years!) This is also just their personalities, but consequently it is also mine. It's something I look forward to, and something I know is possible. And I'm holding out for that!

Speaking of my mom, whenever I tell her I went on a nice date with somebody but I just didn't feel that spark, she claims I need to give it more of a chance. Maybe I will grow more attracted to them as I get to know them, and I might be missing out on my husband and her future grandbabies. While I have yet to convince her my kitten is a perfectly good substitute grandchild, I am also not somebody who needs a lot of time to figure out if I have chemistry with someone. In fact, for me, this is very instant. It's a blessing and a curse. I know right away if that romantic connection is missing, and no amount of time that passes ever changes that. Especially with somebody I'm not sure about, it never amounts to anything more than what I initially felt as a friendship no matter how many dates we go on. There is nothing wrong with this, as long as that other person also knows about it. Leading people on is super uncool, and I encourage everyone to be honest with people they are dating. But if you are the one that is rejected and told they weren't feeling it romantically, but you were, dat sux. I'm sorry it didn't work out. But you can't get hung up on this person. If you want to remain friends with them, be my guest, as long as you can handle it emotionally. If you continue to be friends with them and later complain about "friend zoning" even if that person has made it clear of their intentions, I have a question for you:

Why. Do. You. Want. To. Date. Someone. Who. Doesn't. Like. You???

How massochistic is that? There is a video I saw recently that is laiden with strong language so I won't share it on here, but the basic message was this: unrequited love is not a thing. It's a myth. Romantic love is something shared between two people. Anything else is infatuation, obsession, or lust. U mad yet? You can disagree all you want. But the fact that someone is not interested in you should be the most unattractive quality about them. Why are we getting stuck on people who blatantly don't want us? If I could go back in time and tell my younger self anything, it would be to stop thinking about *insert dumb boy's name here* because the fact I devoted any time to someone who did not care about me makes me want to scream. So now I am going to scream at you. YOU ARE THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD AND WAY BETTER THAN NUTELLA HOW DARE YOU SECOND GUESS THAT. YOU DON'T NEED A STANKY BOY OR GIRL TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL ANGELIC BEAM OF LIGHT AND IF THEY DON'T SEE THAT THEY DEAD DUMB.

Write that on your mirror if you have to. I am going to end on this quote:

LOVE. YO. SELF.

WEEK 4 // Ponytail Derek PT. 2

This is late late late but there's a reason for that. It's because I couldn't decide for the life of me what I wanted to talk about. I went on two dates this week, but both were non-Tinder dates. I don't mind discussing actual dates, but the problem is both gentleman are in my ward. One is very aware of this blog (what up) and I don't think the other has any idea. I just don't want to be known as the serial dater in the ward that blogs about it and says mean things. Because I would probably eventually be called into the bishops office, and also hurting their feelings is not my intent at all. Both of these guys were incredibly nice, had the guts to ask me out (one chased me down in the parking lot!), and I want to give them kudos for that. That stuff is hard. Which is why I have avoided it for most of my life. So I am not going to punish them by blasting our dates on the internet. If either of them was a jerk I might be singing a different tune. If I can ever prevent any other ladies in the ward from having to suffer, I will make it my calling to do so. Okay but could you imagine a ward calling like that? "We would like to sustain Sister Vance as the new Ward Dating Specialist, all those in favor please manifest it."

But I think the reason these dates happened when they did, is because I distinctly remember telling myself that weekend that I needed a break from dating. I was going to take a week off because I felt really burnt out. And then suddenly I had 2 more dates planned. OKAY I GET IT. This is my life now, and there is no turning back. And I only have 4 weeks left. If Britney Spears can get through 2007, I can make it through this month.

I think.

THURSDAY NIGHT // Ponytail Derek

As you remember he was playing a show that I enthusiastically invited myself to. I tried finding friends to go with me, but it was a Thursday night so everyone was busy. Although I think this goes against some sort of dating handbook rule, I decided going by myself was not going to be a big deal. I genuinely wanted to hear him play and as I previously mentioned, I needed to imagine him in that tux I talked about. When I got there I immediately regretted my decision. From what I could tell everyone was in friend groups or on dates. There were a few people by themselves glued to the wall, so I decided to also do that. He was backstage rehearsing, and I texted him letting him know I was there not expecting a reply. I just needed to look busy because suddenly I felt so aware of being alone in this dimly lit room. I'm not going to tell you where this concert was, because it wouldn't be hard to identify him after that. I'm sure anyone who pays the slightest bit of attention to the music scene in Provo can already narrow it down. Congratsies

Anyway, he starts playing his set and I stood near the front so he could see me, but off to the side so hopefully no one else could. Standing there alone staring up at my tinder match I felt very um... pathetic. Did I look as desperate as I felt? Should I just bail now and pretend I was never there? And when he asks where I went I tell him he has me mistaken for my twin I forgot to mention? No. Stupid. Don't be a baby. After he finishes and comes back out, I see him talking to a few people by the side of the stage. Of course I am going to say hi, but in my head I felt like that was his job. I came out to his show, he should find me and at the very least thank me for coming. Instead I stand there for an eternity patiently waiting for him about 6 feet away. The next band starts playing, and he has yet to acknowledge my presence. Is this really happening? Did he hate the fact that I showed up? Is that his girlfriend talking to him? I'ma freak out if it is. Okay, so no it wasn't his girlfriend. I'm just giving you all an inside look into how my brain works. Because the ending to this story will give you an inside look into how all the male brains work that I have ever encountered.

It's been 15 minutes since his show ended, and he is still acting like I am invisible. Maybe I am? Have I finally achieved my lifelong dream of being a fly on the wall because I am a nosy smitch? Ugh. NO, girl, he ignoring you. Hard. I have 3 options at this point:

1) Run. Run far. Until I can't run anymore. So like... the next block over. Walk the rest of the way to my car in shame.

2) Go up to him and be super snarky. Tell him I don't appreciate being ignored and ask why he's being so sketchy. Yell "WHO IS SHE???" super loud.

3) Talk to him like an emotionally stable human.

I think about all my options, and decide the 3rd is the most adult-like thing to do. I approach and say hi, tell him he sounded good, pretend I am not pissed at all, the usual. I tell him I'm not staying, because I had a friend staying at my house that night, which was true. Could I have stayed longer? Yeah. But I was extremely uncomfortable and he clearly was not going to hang out with me the rest of the show. He says, "We should hang out sometime!" which is guy code for either "I never want to see you ever again" or "we should hang out sometime." It could go either way. I leave, and am pretty mad at myself for not foreseeing how poorly this was all going to go. Life was not an indie movie. I am just a Tinder girl, in a Tinder world. Life in matches. Not fantastic!

OOOH OOOH. COME ON EVERYONE SING ALONG.

We end up meeting up later the next week (I'm breaking my rule of chronological order but this is important to the story), so obviously I find an opportunity to bring it up. I mention that I felt a little ignored at his show, and he begins to look confused. He takes a few seconds to remember what happened that night. He claims he saw me when he was performing but didn't notice me standing nearby after. He explained that he was just doing his own thing and that's why he usually doesn't invite people he knows to his shows. HOW DID I MISS THAT BEFORE?!? He probably had tried to steer me away from coming and I wasn't getting the hint. I had the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack blasting too loudly in my head. Oops.

So basically, I misinterpreted everything and overreacted for no reason. Sounds about right! Way to go, me. We still talk sometimes but I think we both know it's not going to be anything serious. Although I never found out what shampoo he uses, I'm glad I gave it a chance. I learned that I really need to chill, and stop assuming the worst out of every man. The only upside to this is being pleasantly surprised when they do something very average. "You remembered my name??? Wow you're a gem, what are you doing for the rest of your life? You busy? Wanna get married?" But I will try to rewire my brain to stop taking things personally, as much fun as it is to make everything about me. Sometimes a guy isn't trying to piss you off and is literally not thinking about it. Or anything. I still haven't figured out how this occurs. If I'm not thinking about anything, assume I am comatose and take me to the hospital immediately.

The Art of Tindering PT. 2

Welcome to the second part of an undetermined amount of posts in my series where I teach you how to own one of the best and worst platforms ever created. Except you can't be the queen, that's my job. You can be like a handmaiden or something.

Me in my Tinder domain.

PART 2: Swiping Right

I have had Tinder on and off for years now, and I currently have 289 matches. That's pretty good for someone who just made a swipe left list that consists of 90% of the Tinder population. You guys just underestimate how many people are actually on this unholy app. We think Tinder is just for floozies looking for their flavor of the week and major creepos. The word "Tinder" in itself has become an unspeakable, grungy word that means you have given up. I admit that's why I initially re-downloaded this app for the billionth time. But there is a large chunk of the Tinder crowd that has not given up. They are clinging onto that last bit of hope like the last cookie. And through meeting those people, it's actually given me some hope. They gave me some of their cookie and... and... *tears up* I think that's so beautiful. All the lonely people have rallied together to sing We're Not Gonna Take It on the rooftops. Or from the comfort of our couches. We're on a group phone call singing it.

When it comes to swiping right, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. There are exceptions to every rule, even the ones on my heck naw list. I swipe right more than you guys think. I'm not always a complete rhymes-with-witch. Like the previous list, this one is very catered to my personality and is guaranteed to not be of any help to you. Why am I even making these? Idk. Something to go in my future autobiography of how I became the rich, single, successful cat lady I am.

10 HECK YESES

Aminals
If they have a pet it means they know how to take care of a living thing and make sure it doesn't die. That's a pretty good quality to have if you ask me. I also like to imagine them talking in baby voices to their pet and it makes them way less intimidating.

Beneficial Occupation
I swiped someone right once because they were the manager of a Cold Stone. Silly? Yes. Genius? Also yes. Make sure their occupation is something you will be more than happy to tell people and never lie about.

BIB
An abbreviation me and a friend coined (and eventually wrote a song about) meaning Boys in Bands. Since I was in kindergarten, I always wanted a boy to sing to me like Waldo did to Darla in Little Rascals. I would draw pictures of me in the sparkly red dress and whoever I was crushing on singing to me in a tuxedo. While this scenario has yet to happen, I am swiping right on anyone with the slightest bit of musical talent until my childhood dream comes true. <3 <3 <3 Or someone that looks good in a tux, either/or.

Makes me lol
One day I am making a hall of fame of all of the funny/obnoxious/unreal tinder profiles I have seen. Already saving up screenshots for you guys, don't worry. ;) They don't need to be a stand up comedian, but if there's anything in there that makes me giggle, they just became 92384 times cuter. This is science.

Age Aprope
It's a sad reality, but it's hard to find worthwhile guys my age on Tinder. They are usually a few years younger, including some of the dates I've already told you about. I just didn't mention it because I no longer care. My age limit on Tinder is 22-29. Because 21 sounds way too young, and the fact that I am eligible to date 30 year olds is too scary and I am in denial.

Trophy Husband
They are too good looking to exist, much less be on Tinder, and little hearts come out yo eyes. The ones you overlook all the glaring red flags for just so you have a chance to gaze upon them in real life. Celebrities marry beneath them all the time, and they seem perfectly content with being the hotter one. So I feel like I could make it work.

Got Good Skills
When guys put random skills like they can stuff a high number of marshmallows into their mouth or they are an undefeated thumb wrestling champion, it tells me a few things. One, that they don't take themselves too seriously. And two, that I am definitely going to try and beat them regardless because I am relentlessly competitive.

Mutual Interests
Those little boxes at the bottom are so handy. One of my favorite interests are those old Facebook pages titled things like "being a fan," so when you liked it it'd say, "Makenzie is a fan of being a fan." Hahahaha. I still think those are funny. Why does Facebook hate fun?

Ego Boosts
I will be the first to admit that from time to time I swipe right because I am so positive we will match, even if I don't necessarily want to. It's like a game I play with myself. I suddenly turn into a guy gambling in the 1920s. *puts on a fedora and starts smoking a cigar* "This fella says he loves redheads? We'll give him a go... hotsy-totsy, a match! I'm hittin on all sixes now!"

That One Guy
Sometimes lightning strikes, and that cute guy you saw at school/church/the dentist's office but were too terrified to talk to shows up and you're like THANK YOU Tinder. It's like Pokemon Go, but for sad people. You found them and are determined to catch them in your Tinderball.

Remember, if you are giving up hope in your dating life, so is everyone else. You are not special. You just need to put your big boy pants on and do something about it. Whether that's Tinder, or asking that girl from class, or simply going outside today. Baby steps. But there are 124.6 million single people in America. If you are ultra picky like myself and that still sounds like finding a needle in a haystack, then start looking. Your future significant other is not going to show up delivered on your doorstep in a nicely wrapped package. You will find them while you are out there doing things. Live your life, put yourself out there, and good things will happen. Wow. When did I get so optimistic??? What is happening to me?

An Open Letter to Catcallers

Dear Random Greasy Teenage Boy,

It has come to my abrupt attention that you find me physically attractive. Or maybe you call all your girl friends "mama." (Which I'm assuming is the white boy version of "mami" but somehow worse??) While I am aware of how cute I am, and that others may feel the same way, there are many other ways to go about this. Not that you would have a chance in H-E-double-hockey-sticks of buying me anything off the dollar menu you can afford, but I'm sure there's someone out there who's attracted to insecurity and poor decision making skills in a prepubescent man. And when you find that rare gem, here are your options:

A) Start a conversation with them like a normal human. Introduce yourself by something other than any sound an animal can make. Tell them your name or your aspirations to be in prison one day.

B) Control your raging hormones and shut your pie hole. Go for a swim. Do you know how to do that? Did your mom teach you? Do you have a mom?

C) Think about something else, like your obvious lack of female role models. Or your small, tiny, undeveloped brain. Try and dwell on how you can fix that instead of demonstrating it openly to the world.

D) Play the quiet game with yourself, and see who wins!!

E) Eat a donut. Donuts are good. And then your mouth will be full and you won't be able to share your unwanted thoughts with anyone. Yummy, yummy donut! Yucky misogyny!

If the previous options are not working for you, do yourself a favor and remove yourself from all places where you could come in contact with a female. Living in solitary confinement is underrated. There, you will never come across the stressful situation of treating a girl as if she is an actual person. You will be able to live in your fantasy world where every woman is at your beck and call, and shouting incoherently at her will make her yours forever. You have allllll the girlfriends. And no one is flipping you off! Fantastic.

Please send this to your other underage friends as a general guide. For more information, please watch this video:

    

WEEK 3 PT. 2 // Ponytail Derek

Saturday Night: Ponytail Derek

Welcome to part 2 of this week's datescapades, credit to my girl Kayla for that new beautiful word. I honestly did not think I would learn anything from this experience. I only wanted to vent my dating frustrations and let others get a kick out of my pain. But with each new date I am learning way more about myself than I thought I would. Woah, what? Dating actually has benefits other than to torture us good, single people? I don't think Tinder is for everyone. But I highly recommend putting yourself out there, in any way/shape/form possible. If anything, you'll have some good stories to tell and will have something to do on weekends other than watch movies with your cat (Lily loves anything starring Ryan Gosling.)

Ponytail Derek is strictly describing his general aesthetic and not his personality. For those who don't know, this is a Perks of Being a Wallflower reference and the Ponytail Derek in that movie is a big jerk. This guy is not like that. He wasn't even wearing a ponytail when I met him. Lol. I will explain.

By Saturday night I had already been on 2 dates and was pretty pooped. He didn't get off work til 9, which my grandma schedule is not used to yet. I debate canceling, but for my adoring fans and personal self-loathing, I meet up for our pre-planned date. The first thing I noticed about Ponytail Derek was how tall he was. He wasn't one of those guys who put his height in his Tinder profile so I had zero expectations and was pleasantly surprised. For all the meninists (why are you here) thinking I am soooooo shallow for even considering height and wah wah wah, please have a seat. There is a proportional amount of men that prefer women to be shorter as there are women who prefer men be taller. The others who don't care still find love and seem very happy. That is super duper cool. But I LIKE TALL GUYS. Whoopty-freaking-doo.

#sorrynotsorry

The second thing I notice is his long, luxurious hair. I am tempted to ask what shampoo he uses but I'll save that for another time. This is also the first guy that is just as chatty as I am, so our conversation is flowing very smoothly. I don't even remember what we talked about at first, but I know there weren't any awkward silences. We were eating at Sonic, and I had a bomb milkshake, so I was very happy. The Sonic in Provo is near this walkway that curves around the river that he suggests we explore. It isn't well lit, but we walk surprisingly far with someone of my low stamina and disinterest in physical activities. My constant talking distracts me from the darkness and possible dead bodies in the water. We pass under a bridge where homeless people definitely sleep and joke about moving in. Maybe this is where Prince lives? I look around, but with no sign of him I continue our night stroll.

After our walk we decide to drive over to a park (AGAIN, he could have murdered me by the river and didn't, so my chances are pretty good). This is where I find out he has to have his hair in a ponytail for work, and the name Ponytail Derek just stuck in my brain. This is also where our deep conversations begin. By deep, I mean we talk about philosophy and our beliefs instead of what our favorite flavor toothpaste is. I find out he isn't an active LDS member but he says he still believes in the core values. I can work with this. By that I mean I am not disregarding him off the bat because of his status in the church. The dating I'm doing right now isn't supposed to be super serious anyways... Because I am a carefree spirit who overanalyzes nothing. :D

Anyways.

So we are sitting on the park bench and he has his arm around me and I feel like we could be in just about any indie movie. He half-joked about jumping the gate into the nearby waterpark so it fits. Play the soundtrack from 500 Days of Summer and BOOM, a Sundance Film Festival hit.

Since I have obviously already stalked him on the internet, I knew he was a musician. He mentions he has a show coming up and I jump at the opportunity to be a groupie. There's something about boys in bands that I am insanely attracted to... which is why I am single and on Tinder! I tell him I want to watch him play and he seems totally fine with it. Buuuuut you know how this works, that experience will be discussed next week. Ugh.

I get home around 1:30, which is extremely late for me even on a weekend. But he texts me asking if I made it home safe, which is sups adorbs. 5 stars. Okay, does anyone else wish we could rate Tinder dates and leave reviews? It'd be so much easier.

"Asked me to marry him first date. 2 stars."
"Opened my door for me, but his car smelled like feet. 1 star."
"Called me the wrong name and said it was because I looked like his ex. 0 stars."

Who knows someone that works for Tinder? I need to speak to them immediately.

You guys are in for a treat because I'll be posting Part 2 of my Art of Tindering series on Saturday! Part 1 was a pretty big hit. I noticed the more mean my posts are the more popular they are... so... ya'll asked for it. Here comes the sass.

WEEK 3 // The Bachelor

WHAT UP SMITCHES.

Can I just say this blog already has over 1200 page views... whaaaa?? I know in internet terms this isn't a ton. But I blogged for years and years and had 100 on a good month, so this blows my mind. You guys have great taste in online garbage reading. Congrats.

This week was bananas... I had 3 dates lined up which is a lot when you have a full time job and a kitten that needs all of the love & attention. Even though it was my fault entirely, I felt overwhelmed and a bit Tindered out. But the second I decide I need a break, the universe was like HA NOPE and I was asked on 2 real live non-Tinder dates. Those will be in next week's episode. This week, however, will be broken into 2 parts with 3 different Tinder dates. I hate myself.

Wednesday Night: The Bachelor

I'm dubbing this first date Bachelor because he sort of looks like a previous contestant and also watches the show like I do. This is a huge plus since I will most likely be forcing all future significant others to watch it with me anyways. Bachelor invites me to go long boarding, so the first thing I do is look in my closet for anything appropriate. All I have is sweaters and lots of floral prints. Um. Okay, so my wardrobe isn't what you would call sporty. I throw on a plain v-neck, skinny jeans, and my fake keds from Walmart. Yes. I am ready To Sport™.

The last time I went long boarding I ate shiz and scratched up my hands and legs pretty bad. So doing this as a first date is probably a terrible idea. But terrible ideas = fantastic stories, so I'm pumped! He picks a super duper easy trail, but the down side was my long board was faster than his skate board. I was not very graceful at slowing down and ended up just preventing myself from running into things. I didn't crash though!!!!! I gave myself so many mental self-fives for that. And those moments where I was just cruising and enjoying the sunset were PRIME. Is this how it's supposed to be? Not careening out of control and embracing death at any moment? Huh. Interesting. We've been talking most of the time, er, I've been talking most of the time. But that's literally any date I go on. Either he is just a more mellow human than I am or I need to shut up. I'm just trying to find something we have in common besides watching the same reality show. Which, to be honest, I could live with.

Luckily he still wants to hang out and on my suggestion we go to Taco Bell to get drinks (only the classiest for us Tinder folk.) Then we park at what he calls his "ghetto lookout" which is a dirt lot that overlooks the highway outside of Lindon. Again, we just talked the entire time, no hanky panky. Would I even tell you if there was? That is questionable, because my grandpa and other precious family members read this and I would love to spare them those details... But nothing happened. Pinky swear.

So it is at this point I find out that Bachelor and I are polar opposite in almost every way. All of my favorites are on his "just okay" list, and he admittedly has no favorites except for Tom Brady. He even went as far as to say he didn't really love anything. I couldn't help but have the giggles when I tried to challenge this. Eventually I blurt out, "Do you even love your family??" And he makes a disgusted face and goes, "No!" Which he was obviously joking about, right guys? No one just doesn't love anything... ?

In the true nature of being a woman, I immediately wanted to fix him. Maybe I could make him see the light, and like Flynn and Rapunzel we will sing about our feelings on a boat. And then I discover I am a long lost princess. That sounded great. But because I am 55 years old, I have already been through the rigamaroll of trying to change people. SPOILER ALERT: You will fail. At first the other person will play along and pretend like all your effort is not going to waste, and you feel like you are seeing progress. But unless they are doing it 1000% for themselves, and not even 1% to please you, it is not going to stick. All it means is what you see is what you get. No amount of singing is going to grow this guy's heart 3 times it's size. Something I quickly learn to accept after the following night.

The next night Bachelor texts me and asks what I'm up to. I told him I was watching a movie and invited him over. I warned him it was one of my favorite rom coms, Life as We Know It (Josh Duhmel, yum) and he may not like it. He insisted he come anyway, so whatever. I'm pretty much Yes Man at this point except way sadder. Not even 20 minutes into the movie, he is complaining. At first it starts by him blatantly not paying attention and asking what's going on. Then it turns into "This movie is sooooo looooong" and "Is it over yet?" because there is nothing cuter than a toddler who hasn't had his nap yet. I consider naming him Giant Man Baby for the purposes of this blog, but I let him live. Even though some minor cuddling is happening, there are no sparks flying and his whining is not helping. After he falls asleep several times, I finally get him out of my apartment. If there had been a rose at the end of the date, I would've had to have the obligatory "You are amazing and a special little snowflake but I can't give you this rose" talk before sending him packing.

Friday Night: The Prince pt. 2

For those who are catching up, please read about the Prince in my last post here. I felt like we only had a short time together at the park, and I am determined to find his place of employment. I can't find him on Facebook anywhere, and so I might as well find out information the old fashioned way.

Prince picks me up and we go bowling. I bowl approximately once a year with my family at Thanksgiving, but avoid it the other 364 days of the year. And I am terrible. Being a competitive person this makes me a little aggy, as they say in Essex. But I already foretell him all of this and am determined to just have fun anyways. He claims he is also bad, but that is a lie. Our final scores are a whopping 119 and 51. I'll let you guess whose was whose.

We then go to Arby's (my suggestion, one of many) where I proceed to make the following faces:

That last one is there so you guys remember that I'm cute.

Yes, those were taken unbeknownst to me at the time. He took my phone and I thought he was trying to guess the pass code. It wasn't until the next day that I noticed the 110 pictures taken in those few minutes. I actually think this is hilarious, because I make the stupidest faces when I'm talking. It's good to be humbled. Every celebrity needs to see an ugly picture of themselves once in a while. I think it would make the world a better place. (I'm not comparing my looks to that of a celeb, most of the time I am "acceptable to leave the house" at best.)

After my secret photoshoot, we're driving away and Prince asks what I want to do, which concerns me a little. When a guy seems to not have a solid plan it makes me feel like he doesn't care about this date very much. Or he's not imaginative. Or he's a pushover. And I am what you would call a "strong" personality. I need someone to match me... be an equal partner and all that. To quote Aristotle, "Who wears the pants? Well, preferably neither of us will be wearing pants." Too much? Too much. Sorry Grandpa.

Since he hasn't been able to contain his jealous rage that I have a cat, I ask if he would like to meet her. I joke that it was like meeting my child and not a privilege given to many, but it's very telling how a guy acts around your pet. Bachelor, for example, ignored her presence entirely and only tried to get her attention when he wasn't sleeping. Prince, however, was very sweet with Lily. It always warms my icy cold heart to see a man have a tender spot for animals. It's a little bit of a preview into how they will be with children. Yes, I just said that. Every girl is thinking this all the time always, it's fine. At least the ones in Utah. Okay, maybe it's just me.

But Prince and I just didn't have that ever so fleeting chemistry, and after 2 dates I don't think it's unfair for me to call it a day. I think very highly of him, and he was nothing but a gentleman. Except... I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE WORKS. This bothers me a lot. If any of you have any idea who this guy is, please call our hotline at 1-888-HELPMEEEEE.

Check back Thursday for one of my favorite dates, Ponytail Derek. :)

The Art of Tindering PT. 1

I consider myself a Tinder queen at this point. I may not know what I'm doing in real life, but I have this app down to an art form. So gather around, my future Tinder prodigies. In this series I will teach you everything you need to know so you will have time to rethink your life choices before it's too late.

PART 1: Swiping Left

It takes thick skin to be on Tinder. You are rapidly both rejecting and being rejected. And no thanks to the unnecessary "Super Like," we now have added pressure to not say no. Although women have been trained for centuries to be grateful a man is even considering extending his hand to her, a person has every right to be uninterested in someone for whatever reason. No matter how dumb or shallow it might be, you have to accept that sometimes someone is not going to like you because of your left eyebrow or your stupid outfit. Do not download this app if you are going to take it personally. In order to get the most out of it, you need to be objective and remember there is another match around the corner. Every time I think I have been through every eligible bachelor within a 50 mile radius, somehow the app finds more for me. This is the beauty of it. It's like an ever-flowing stream of men and disappointment.

Besides the looks category, I don't swipe left unless I have a good reason. And I have so many good reasons that you're probably going to wonder how I am getting any dates at all. *Cue the Miracles Happen song from Princess Diaries.* I have compiled these completely legit reasons for you into a list of 10 men that I try to avoid on Tinder, and you probably should too. Here they are, in no particular order of cringiness:

10 HECK NAWS

DTF
Although you can never tell for sure if a guy really just wants some action, some will list this in their bio which is very convenient. I am not judging them, I'm simply not looking for that and there's no point in being a tease. There's plenty of other thirsty women who will let you buy them a burger in exchange for access to their bodies, and you'll both be very happy together.

Whiny Piss Lords
When it seems like the guy has been burned on Tinder before and they want everyone to know about it, I swipe left so hard my thumbprint almost burns off. This includes guys that say, "Don't swipe right if you don't plan on talking." They need remove the stick from their bum and learn they are not entitled to a response even if they match. It just screams, "fragile ego: handle with care" and I'm not here to babysit.

Snoozefest
If their bio includes, "I like to have fun and hang out with friends," I am going to assume they are the most boring person I will ever meet. No one ever puts "I hate fun and have no friends," like, stop putting basic human functions into your bio. "Breathing is my favorite also BLINKING."

Desperados
Everyone on Tinder is desperate. No one is an exception. But at least most of us try and hide it. For example, if they are saying things to impress you like, "I will make you laugh," and the rest of their bio is in no way funny, this translates to: "Please like me, please think I'm cool, I need this so bad please please please."

Too Cool for School
90% of the time if they have nothing written in their bio I will not swipe right. Either you are unfunny, unimaginative, lazier than I am (automatic disqualifier - I am pretty lazy), or married with 5 kids.

I Have 9 Abs
I WILL PAY SO MUCH MONEY TO NEVER SEE A SHIRTLESS BATHROOM PIC EVER AGAIN. Beach & hiking pictures I will forgive. Okay, you have a nice bod and you like being outside. Cool. But half-naked selfies are so icky that I am going to assume you will disrespect me at the gym and your name is probably Chad.

Oversharers
I don't mind long bios at all, I think it's nice to see what you have in common before you match. But the ones that go into depth about their horrible last relationship and their expectations for you are so terrifying. I think you are looking for a therapist, not a date. We all need help, but you need help Tinder cannot provide.

Group Tinders
Do I have to explain this? Always college boys. Always.

Deadpan

I don't care if they have serious or "modeling" pictures, but I like to see at least one smiling pic with teeth. Being a pretty smiley person myself, I feel like any pictures of us are gonna look like I'm holding you hostage 24/7 if you're never fully smiling in them. Just my own personal thing.

Douche Canoes
The smart alecs that say, "Let me guess, you love adventures? Just swipe left now." Bro. This is Utah. It attracts outdoorsy people. Let me guess, that baby in your pic is just your niece? Grow up. I saw one guy that had a pic that said, "Don't send me nudes, send me a pic of your medicine cabinet so I can see what kind of psycho I'm dealing with." Well luckily I won't have to because you've already let me know what kind of brainless weenie I'm dealing with so, good luck with your mommy issues.

There will be much more to come in this series as I talk about Tinder and the entirely different social construct that it is. And if you are in one of these categories, please do us a favor and put your label in your bio so that me and my readers can Tinder in peace.